Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 11, 1998 - February 17, 1998 | Issue 33•05

Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products. The error, which involved the incorrect usage of "your" instead of "you're," shocked and disappointed MangaMash's estimated dozen readers, who for over 11...

Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck-Wagon Disaster

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News

SAN JOSE, CA—Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions, a... more»
Ghost Of Anne Frank: 'Quit Reading My Diary'

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News

Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne... more»
Chinese Rockers Hold Benefit For Oppression

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News

BEIJING—A group of Chinese rock bands collectively known as Artists For Oppression held a benefit concert in Beijing's Tiananmen Square Saturday to... more»
Murder Suspect To Be Tried By Media: Overworked Justice System Grateful For Help

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News

LOS ANGELES—Overwhelmed by an enormous, ever-growing criminal caseload, the Los Angeles district attorney's office announced Monday that William... more»
Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News

PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ... more»
Nation’s Teen Drug Problem Ended By Rapping Cartoon Spokesbeast

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Anti-drug crusaders and concerned parents nationwide are expressing deep gratitude to Rico The Rad Rhino, a rapping cartoon... more»
WKZN-TV Concludes Broadcast Day

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Amidst a pre-recorded "Star-Spangled Banner" and stock footage of wheat fields and soaring Blue Angels jets, Charlottesville... more»
Stupid Thing Won’t Work

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Brief

RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The... more»
New Ted Nugent Cologne Tested On ‘Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find’

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Brief

ALPENA, MI—Ted Nugent held a press conference Monday to unveil his new signature fragrance "Heartland," which the veteran rocker touted as the most... more»
The Titanic Scenario: Could It Really Happen?

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Photos
Loveless Marriage Offset By Beautiful Four-Bedroom Home

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Photos
Kathie Lee Gifford Denies Getting Sincerity Implants

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Photos
CBS Laugh Track Threatens Walkout

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | News In Photos
There Is No Restraining Order I Can't Beat, Stacy

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | Commentary

Stacy, my eternal and only one, you know that the bond of love we share has always protected me from your foolishness. When you told me we were... more»
I Like All Types Of Music

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | Commentary

When I go to the mall for music, you won't catch me stuck in just one section of Record Town. That's because I like all kinds of music! more»
Begone, Hateful Puppetry!

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | Columnists

Not long ago I described to you how I was forced by one of my loath-some descendants to "baby-sit" her rotten little off-spring. As you may recall,... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | Horoscopes

Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you. more»
Ally McBeal Fever

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | Infographic

Fox's Ally McBeal is the surprise new hit of the TV season. Why do so many viewers love it? more»
The Winter Olympics

issue 3305 | 02.11.98 | What Do You Think?

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this... more»