Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 18, 1998 - February 24, 1998 | Issue 33•06

Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan

MANHATTAN, NY—Nestled in the southeast corner of New York State, Manhattan is an old-fashioned sort of community, the kind of place where people still live in close proximity to one another and walk to the corner store to pick up the daily paper. So when the people of this close-knit burg on the Hudson River found out that two of their own, Abe and Myra Saunders, were...

Area 15-Year-Old Only Homosexual In Whole World

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News

WAUGANAUKEE, MN—Daryl Hegge suffers from the only known case of a condition doctors call "homosexuality." more»
TWA Flight 800 Rebuilt, Ready To Return To Air

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News

ST. LOUIS—19 months after its tragic crash off the coast of New York, TWA Flight 800 is rebuilt and ready to return to the skies. more»
C-SPAN Releases Too Hot For C-SPAN! Video

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In the cable network's first-ever foray into the home-video market, C-SPAN released Too Hot For C-SPAN! Tuesday. more»
Nation's Rappers Down To Last Two Samples

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News

LOS ANGELES—In an announcement that has caused grave concern within the nation's hip-hop community, the American Society of Composers, Authors, and... more»
Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Brief

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance... more»
Don King Enjoys Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Brief

LAS VEGAS—Boxing promoter Don King described himself as "outrighteously mesmerated" by a deli sandwich served to him at the Treasure Island... more»
History Channel Repeats Itself

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Tragically failing to learn the lessons of its own programming, the History Channel repeated itself 11 p.m. Sunday, airing Man's... more»
Sinatra, Hope, Reagan Deadlocked In Race To Grave

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Frank Sinatra’s recent hospitalization has pulled the aging crooner into a virtual dead heat with comedian Bob Hope and former... more»
Islamic Fundamentalists Condemn Casual Day

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Photos
Murphy Brown: Still On The Air?

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Photos
One Beer Can't Do Local Alcoholic Any Harm

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Photos
Area Horse Hung Like Horse

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | News In Photos
Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Commentary

Ever since my retirement last month from the sock factory, I've had a lot of extra time to spend around the yard. But the hours of pleasurable... more»
The Federation Is Too Lenient About The Prime Directive

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Commentary

Assembled sentients, I greet you in the name of the peoples of Earth, and wish that you may live long and prosper! more»
I Don't Need You People

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Columnists

That's it. I've finally had it up to here. Yet another pitiful excuse for a nurse has been hired for me, again without my approval. She's just a... more»
Ask A Conspiracy Theorist

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Advice

Alexander Murdoch is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Conspiracy Theorist, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Horoscopes

Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins. more»
The Men's Magazine Boom

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | Infographic

In the past year, there has been an explosion in the number of "men's lifestyle magazines." Why are so many suddenly starting up? more»
Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

issue 3306 | 02.18.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week, a federal judge ruled that golfer Casey Martin—who is afflicted with a circulatory disorder that makes it painful for him to walk—may... more»