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February 25, 1998 - March 3, 1998 | Issue 33•07

U.S. Ambassador To Bulungi Suspected Of Making Country Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Chad Halpern, U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi since 1996, has been asked to return to Washington to face allegations that the West African nation does not exist. "While nothing has been substantiated as of yet," President Clinton told reporters at a press conference Monday, "it appears Ambassador Halpern may have made the country up." According...

Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News

CHOCOLATE CITY—In an address before an emergency session of Parliament Monday, George Clinton said he is prepared to drop Da Bomb on Iraq if Saddam... more»
Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News

ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his... more»
Zombie Corpse Of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing Scams

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News

NEW YORK—The actor-comedian's reanimated corpse decried misleading telemarketing offers Monday. more»
Masturbator Held For Questioning In Series Of Brutal Masturbatings

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News

SALEM, IN—Salem Middle School eighth grader Jeremy Royce, 15, was detained and questioned by police officials for more than three hours Monday in... more»
Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Brief

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced... more»
Swiss Unable To Maintain Neutrality Toward Delicious Pastries

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Brief

BERN, SWITZERLAND—The nation of Switzerland ended 183 years of neutrality Wednesday, when the Swiss Federal Assembly unanimously approved an... more»
New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Upscale consumers who enjoy cigars, wine, and "all the finer things in life" will have a new magazine to enjoy beginning next month when... more»
70 Percent of Americans In Favor of Watching Iraq Get Bombed on TV

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In what Clinton Administration officials are calling "a people’s mandate" for military action against Iraq, a Time/CNN poll... more»
Dad's Number-One Fan Also Number-One Tax Break

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Photos

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Little Debbie Conquers Jenny Craig In Midnight Showdown

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Photos
Indian Casino One Of The Saddest Places On Earth

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Photos
Hanson Sweeps 1998 NAMBLA Awards

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | News In Photos
I Be The Real Employee Of The Month

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | Columnists

Yo yo yo yo, whassssuuup, G's. H-Dog in tha house, and you'll pardon me if I dispense with the usual formalities, but I'm out for muthafuckin'... more»
My Last Will And Testament

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | Columnists

I have decided to revise my last will and testament. The person to whom I previously bequeathed my entire estate, the woman with the enormous... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | Horoscopes

Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt... more»
Exotic Pet Fever

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | Infographic

Ownership of non-traditional pets is on the rise. Why are so many Americans going exotic? more»
Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | What Do You Think?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What... more»
Foreign Travel Tips

issue 3307 | 02.25.98 | Tips

Traveling abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it's even better when you're prepared. Here are some tips to help make your next trip a safe and... more»