Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 4, 1998 - March 10, 1998 | Issue 33•08

Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

LAS VEGAS—Legendary daredevil Evel Knievel, who has long been famous for performing thrilling, death-defying stunts, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace Saturday. In a bold, never-before-attempted leap of logic, Knievel will attempt to convince a panel of renowned math experts that there exists a single largest integer to which no more can be...

Pope Condemns Three More Glands

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News

VATICAN CITY—The pope said the adrenal, pineal, and pituitary glands perform a great many immoral functions. more»
Nonconformity Linked To Peer Pressure

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News

ATHENS, GA—According to a study released Tuesday by the University of Georgia's Institute For Social Research, a strong link exists between... more»
New $5,000 Multimedia Computer System Downloads Real-Time TV Programs, Displays Them On Monitor

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News

HOUSTON—The highly touted "Internet Revolution" took another major step forward Monday, when Compaq unveiled the breakthrough Compaq Presario 6000,... more»
Congress Allocates $1.4 Billion For Development Of Inner-City Youths' Rhyming, Dribbling Skills

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In what legislators are hailing as a major step toward breaking the cycle of urban poverty, Congress allocated $1.4 billion Monday... more»
Channel 6's Suzy Pratt Has Today's Forecast, Debilitating Bouts Of Depression

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News

NORFOLK, VA—While it's hard to know exactly what Mother Nature has in store for us most of the time, television viewers in the greater Norfolk area... more»
Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Brief

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to... more»
Sixth Grader Begins Work On Pony Trilogy

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Brief

CANTON, OH—Canton-area sixth-grader Melissa Wright announced plans Monday to begin work on her much-anticipated "Pony Trilogy," a three-part series... more»
PLO Claims Responsibility For Bombing Of Krippendorf’s Tribe

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Brief

BEIRUT, LEBANON—In one of the deadliest acts of cinematic terrorism in recent years, the Palestinian Liberation Organization claimed responsibility... more»
Tip Of Area Man’s Tongue Refuses To Relinquish Richard Crenna’s Name

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Despite the best efforts of area resident Guy Reid, the tip of Reid’s tongue remained steadfast Tuesday in its refusal to... more»
Mexico Announces Plans To Refry Over 700 Million Beans

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Photos
FBI Seizes Massive Anthrax Stockpile

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Photos
Aspiring Elitist Moves To New York

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Photos
Area 93-Year-Old Has Death-After-Life Experience

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | News In Photos
It's My Word Against The Pool Cleaner's

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Commentary

Frankly, Gordon, I'm shocked and hurt that you would consider believing anything that pool cleaner says, even for one second. I mean, I thought that... more»
Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Commentary

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking... more»
The Proper Way To Club A Man

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Columnists

The spring-time sporting season will soon be upon us, and many through-out our Republic will be engaged in spirited matches of base-ball,... more»
I Paid Too Damn Much For That Car

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's the scoop? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got more than my share of shit going on. First off, I got... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 4, 1998

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Horoscopes

Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations. more»
The Dancing Baby Phenomenon

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | Infographic

Recently featured on TV's Ally McBeal, Baby Cha-Cha has captured the imaginations of millions. Why do people love the dancing baby? more»
The Super-Flu Threat

issue 3308 | 03.04.98 | What Do You Think?

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with... more»