Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 17, 1998 - March 23, 1998 | Issue 33•10

America Online To Build Three Million Home Pages For The Homeless

VIENNA, VA—America Online announced Monday that it will do its part in the fight against U.S. homelessness by constructing three million World Wide Web home pages for the nation's homeless citizens. ..

Smoking Now Permitted Only In Special Room In Iowa

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The nation's anti-tobacco lobby scored another major victory Monday, when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking in the... more»
Free-Agent Clinton Signs Five-Year, $37 Million Deal With Argentina

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News

BUENOS AIRES—In the richest contract ever signed by a world leader, U.S. President Bill Clinton agreed to a five-year deal with Argentina Monday... more»
Female Cop Goes Undercover In Strip Club

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News

VAN NUYS, CA—All her life, 23-year-old Candi Jacobs has been a by-the-book, no-nonsense type, singlemindedly dedicated to one thing–her career... more»
Albanian Village Bombed Forward Into Stone Age

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Brief

PRISTINA, SERBIA—The ethnic-Albanian village of Pristina was bombed forward into the Stone Age Monday, thrust ahead more than 20,000 years by a... more»
Paula Poundstone Still Famous

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to a report in the latest issue of Variety, comedian Paula Poundstone is still famous. "Despite not having produced... more»
Just-Opened Factory To Create 250 New Jobs, 170 New Cancer Cases

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Brief

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—According to city officials, the newly opened Wynn-Johnson Plasticorp factory should bring more than 250 jobs and 170 cancer... more»
Area Twentysomething Disillusioned With Disillusionment

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—After spending the past 10 years in a deep state of disillusionment, area 27-year-old Kevin Soto announced Monday he is disillusioned with... more»
U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a geological survey released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of the Interior, 40 percent of the nation's total land mass... more»
Nation's Sports Fans Shocked By Truth About 'We Will Rock You' Anthem

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Photos
Ed McMahon Endorses Another Depressing Product

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Photos
Precocious Teen Able To Read, Write

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Photos
Burger King Unveils New Low-Fat Cashier

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | News In Photos
I Can't Believe The TV They Make Me Watch

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Commentary

I cannot believe the garbage they make me watch on TV these days. Do they think we're morons or something? more»
Jean's Got The Write Stuff!

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Columnists

Something happened last Tuesday that just made my day! (No, it wasn't the Chocolate Fairy leaving something under my pillow, but it was almost as... more»
My Enemies List

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Columnists

The following is my newest list of enemies and despised foes. A twice-annual tradition since 1918, the list serves to inform my nemeses of my low... more»
Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Advice

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Horoscopes

Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene... more»
The Titanic Soundtrack

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Infographic

At eight million copies sold, the Titanic soundtrack is a phenomenon in its own right. Why are so many people buying it? more»
Chemical-Biological Weapons

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | What Do You Think?

Popping up everywhere from Iraq to Nevada in recent months, chemical and biological weapons are regarded by many experts as the war instrument of the... more»
Home Security Tips

issue 3310 | 03.17.98 | Tips

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders: more»