Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 25, 1998 - March 31, 1998 | Issue 33•11

Area Woman Not Listened To Again

SPENCER, WI—Diane Hamm, 38, a lifelong Spencer resident and part-time clerical assistant at Groelke Home Financing in nearby Plovis, was not listened to yet again Tuesday, when her husband paid no attention to what she was saying as she handed him the morning newspaper. Officials estimate that the incident marks roughly the 10 billionth time Hamm has not been listened to when attempting ...

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News

REDMOND, WA—In a step to protect their "intellectual property," the Microsoft Corporation patented ones and zeros. more»
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Linked To Bad Parents Who Could Have Done Something

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A recent study found a connection between SIDS and terrible people who have failed in their role as caregivers. more»
Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties Of Long-Term Relationship

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News

AMHERST, MA—A mix tape made by Mandy Honig for boyfriend Jeff Kent in honor of the couple's one-year anniversary expresses the many... more»
U.S. Breaks Off Relations With Chad

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton officially ended years of strained relations, severing U.S. ties with cab driver Chad Ratliff. more»
Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Brief

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is... more»
Governor Pardons Self For Living

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Brief

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the... more»
Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and... more»
Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have... more»
Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Brief

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African... more»
Tragic Oscar-Night Camera Malfunction Leaves Seven Critically Underpublicized

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Photos
Cozy Little Out-Of-The-Way Place Opens 12th Location

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Photos
Cop Takes Cinnamon Bun Into Own Hands

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Photos
Dateline NBC Report Inspired By Actual Events

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | News In Photos
Mall Justice Is Swift And Harsh

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Commentary

My name is Stanchion. I walk a cruel beat. I do not work in an office cubicle or behind a counter. The promenades and boutiques of Clover Square Mall... more»
It's True (Or Drew) Love!

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Columnists

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me... more»
Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Columnists

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its... more»
Ask A Wiccan

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Advice

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Horoscopes

A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go... more»
Final-Four Fever

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | Infographic

The popularity of the NCAA men's basketball tournament continues to grow every year. Why are so many people captivated by this annual event? more»
The Holocaust And The Vatican

issue 3311 | 03.25.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Vatican issued a document apologizing for its silence during the Holocaust. Jewish leaders called the document–which spread the... more»