Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 1, 1998 - April 7, 1998 | Issue 33•12

Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple

BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical...

Desperate Small Town Erects World's Largest Fiberglass Chili Dog

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News

PURLEY, TX—After years of unsuccessful efforts to establish itself as a center of tourism, industry or Texas history, the tiny East Texas town... more»
Congress Passes Freedom From Information Act

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the unregulated flow of information "the single greatest threat to the emotional comfort and well-being of the American... more»
Chinese Laundry Owner Blasted For Reinforcing Negative Ethnic Stereotypes

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—Second-generation Chinese-American laundry owner Raymond Chen is under heavy fire this week from Bay Area activists who call... more»
New Children's Hospital Filled To Capacity

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News

ATLANTA—When Andrew Nash decided to abandon a successful career in land development to pursue his lifelong dream of owning his own children's... more»
Only Two Golden Tickets Remain

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—A third Wonka Golden Ticket was discovered Monday by American used-car heiress Violet Beauregard, reducing the number of undiscovered... more»
Nine-Hundred-Pound Man Left To Die

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Brief

MACON, GA—James Stotts, a 900-pound man whose morbid obesity has made him dependent upon family, friends and neighbors for most of his adult life,... more»
Time Magazine Just Six Months From Big Cocktail-Nation-Craze Story

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Zeitgeist-monitoring sources reported Monday that Time magazine is a mere six months from a major cover story on the... more»
Clinton 'Glad To Be Back In Civilization Again'

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Returning from a historic ten-day, six-nation visit to Africa, President Clinton announced Wednesday that he is "glad to finally be... more»
Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Photos
Our Nation's Celebrities: What Are They Wearing?

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Photos
Local Senior Keeps Busy With Obituary-Clipping Hobby

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Photos
Tom Snyder Returns To The Sea

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | News In Photos
I Think I'm Going About This Cat-Breeding Thing All Wrong

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | Commentary

Last October, my dear wife Lois passed on. The first few months after her death were extremely difficult for me, as I missed her very much. Then, one... more»
Zweibel Answers Readers' Inquiries

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | Columnists

For over a century, I have taken pains to respond to each and every reader who has written me a letter. I am always interested in hearing the... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | Horoscopes

You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient... more»
Nike's Struggles

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | Infographic

After nearly a decade of enormous profit and growth, Nike hit a wall in 1997, with sales down substantially. What are the reasons for Nike's downturn? more»
The Boy Scout Crackdown

issue 3312 | 04.01.98 | What Do You Think?

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3312 | 01.01.98 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK ABC Sununu And The Fat Kid John Hard, PI The Parental Discretion Boat ABC Movie: Oh, God, No—Please, No, Not My Baby, I Beg You, Oh Please Don't Hurt Her, Oh, God, No CBS Prescription: Hunk Fucked By An Angel Plain Sarah Of The Frontier The Penetrator NBC The Gorgeous Couple NBC Movie: Meteor! Dateline NBC Special: Could A Meteor Hit The Earth? FOX When Jews Attack The Wacky Animated Family Alien Work Force Y'All Ain't Takin' My Baby, You Hear? PBS Please Pledge Money Bob Vila's This Damn House Goodwife Mintforth And Her Mystery-Solving Cat The Mark Russell Tedious Political Humor Hour WB Kickin' Damn! You, Hold Up, Darnell! The Single Moms CABLE BET Groove Goin' On Slow Thang Bumpin' Chocolate Love Right On! With Meldrick Simms Family I'm Sorry, He's Going To Die Open Forum: Who's Nicer—Mom Or Dad? Charlton Heston Presents: Guns History Hitler: An Inside Look Nazi War Planes Hitler's Last Days Hitler's Women Project: Hitler TNN This Here's My Dog I Caught Me These Fish Okay, Give 'Er The Gas Again, Clem USA Breast Force USA Quantum Heap Why Is This On? Tit Party '85 (Edited For Television) PublicAccess Three Guys Learning How To Zoom In Difficult Viewing Hour Technical Incompetence