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April 8, 1998 - April 14, 1998 | Issue 33•13

Blacks, Whites Put Differences Aside, Work Together To Make Better Burger

LOUISVILLE, KY—Sadly, in 1998, America remains a nation deeply divided along racial lines. It's enough to cause one to lose hope. But divided as we are, every now and again something comes along to remind us just how much can be achieved when we view our differences as assets rather than liabilities. The afternoon crew at Louisville's Carver Stre...

Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News

WARSAW—Upset that there are never any world wars anymore, German teens embarked on a nostalgia-driven military assault. more»
Hippocratic Oath 'Under Review' By HMO Board

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—In a development bioethicists and health-care industry professionals are watching closely, the board of directors of Indiana HMO... more»
Utter Failure To Spend Rest Of Day In Bed

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News

STEVENS POINT, WI—Part-time dishwasher and self-described "utter failure" Eric Mayhew opted to call in sick and spend the rest of the day in bed... more»
Clinton Ordered To Testify Before Grand Ole Opry

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News

NASHVILLE, TN—A week after Paula Jones' sexual-harassment suit was dismissed by an Arkansas judge, President Clinton once again found himself... more»
Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Area resident Janice Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at... more»
Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit... more»
Madcap Romp Escalates Into Zany Hijinks

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Brief

WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an... more»
Psychic Phone Service Devastates Competition By Only Hiring The Best Psychics

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Psychic phone services across the nation are declaring bankruptcy as a result of the Caring Psychic Souls Service's recent announcement... more»
New, Improved Olean 30 Percent Less Likely To Make You Shit In Your Pants

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of the breakthrough fat-free cooking oil Olean, unveiled a new, improved version of the product Monday,... more»
Cubs Eliminated From Playoff Contention

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Photos
Authorized Personnel Enjoying Untold Pleasures Beyond Designated Point

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Photos
Second-Semester Fling Leads To First-Trimester Abortion

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Photos
Michael Jordan Displeased With This Week's Burnt Offerings

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | News In Photos
My Goal Is To Someday Be A Realtor

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Commentary

My goal is to someday become a Realtor, and, come heck or high water, I'm going to do it! I've always wanted a career, and, now that the kids are... more»
Get Smooved

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Columnists

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved. more»
Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Columnists

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Horoscopes

A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin... more»
Reader's Digest Redesign

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Infographic

This month, Reader's Digest unveils a historic makeover, with bolder cover photos and the table of contents moved to the inside. What other... more»
Organ-Transplant Prioritization

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | What Do You Think?

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically... more»
Summer Slim-Down Tips

issue 3313 | 04.08.98 | Tips

It's hard to believe, but in just a few short months, it'll be time to put on that dreaded bathing suit. Here are some tips to help you shed those... more»