Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 15, 1998 - April 21, 1998 | Issue 33•14

Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark 8-1 decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that local diner Phyllis Montague simply must try the cheesecake at the D.C.-area eatery Afternoon...

Arafat, Netanyahu Reach Understanding After Zany 'Stuck In Meat Locker' Ordeal

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News

JERUSALEM—It is believed to be the greatest wacky-adventure-driven improvement in international relations since the 1995 Sinn Fein elevator... more»
Area Asshole Keeps On Top Of Latest Trends In Changing Marketplace

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News

NEW YORK—In the fast-paced world of investment banking, either you're on top of the latest trends, or they're on top of you. more»
Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI)... more»
Clown-Suited Furniture Salesman Not Clowning Around When It Comes To Big Savings

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News

SPARTANBURG, SC—In a clear case of retail irony, on Monday, Furniture World owner/pitchman Mort Neely appeared in his latest television... more»
U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Brief

MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and... more»
10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Brief

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against... more»
New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our... more»
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Brief

DUBUQUE, IA—An era came to an end Tuesday when Pat's Place, the nation's last themeless restaurant, closed its doors in Dubuque. "We achieved a... more»
Another Friends Star To Appear In Another Big-Screen Bomb

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—On Monday, actor David Schwimmer began filming for Can't Help Myself, a Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy that promises to be... more»
Reggie White To Host Fox's When Atheletes Talk

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Photos

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Navy Frogmen Recover Clinton's Head

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Photos

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Lifelong Newport Smoker Barely Alive With Pleasure

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Photos
Wal-Mart Bans Semi-Nude Pantyhose

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | News In Photos
I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Commentary

Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him... more»
Good Times Are Few And Far Between

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's the haps? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some serious problems of late, automotive and... more»
Civilization Is Collapsing

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Columnists

Many times I have mentioned that I believe to-day's news-paper trade to be an abomination. Back when I was editor-in-chief of The Onion, we... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Horoscopes

Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little... more»
The New Impotence Pill

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Infographic

Last week, the FDA approved Viagra, the first-ever impotence pill. What effects are men who have tried the pill reporting? more»
Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | What Do You Think?

Next year, Helen Hunt will earn $1 million per episode of Mad About You. NBC offered Jerry Seinfeld $3 million per episode to continue... more»
What To Do In Case Of Fire

issue 3314 | 04.15.98 | Tips

Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you... more»