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April 22, 1998 - April 28, 1998 | Issue 33•15

Freshly Scented Soap To Cleanse Irish

DUBLIN, IRELAND—After centuries of suffering, the people of the world will finally have some much-needed relief from the offending filth of the ubiquitous Irish. The remedy: a new, freshly scented deodorant soap designed specifically with malodorous Irish riff-raff in mind. The soap, an exciting, logo-embossed consumer product featuring rich lather, an outdoorsy spring-fresh...

Government Issues Citizens Official 'Screw You' Packet

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one... more»
Bronx Zoo Unveils New Loitering-Teens Exhibit

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News

BRONX, NY—After months of public anticipation, the Bronx Zoo finally opened its new loitering-teens exhibit Saturday. more»
Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have been pretty... more»
Shaggy Dog Too Late To Cheer Up Dying Boy

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the... more»
Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Brief

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a... more»
Area Man Likes Food

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Brief

FLUSHING, NY—In a surprise announcement, local cab driver Kevin Reilly, 33, confirmed Monday that he likes food. "I enjoy meats, dairy products,... more»
'Bad To The Bone' To Be Used In Film

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will... more»
Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him Personally

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed... more»
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males and promptly segregated it... more»
Doctors To Exercising Seniors: Don't Bother

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Photos

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Willow Rented

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Photos
Like Boxes Of Shit In Your House? Get A Cat

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Photos
Larva Celebrates Ascent To Adulthood With Bar-Moltzvah

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | News In Photos
An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | Commentary

Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on supermarket... more»
Rating The Adult Diapers

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | Columnists

In my young days, I could shit like a draft horse. But now, I can only coax a thin, yellowish gruel from my feeble colon, often without warning.... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | Horoscopes

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza... more»
Catalog Fever

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | Infographic

What are Americans' favorite mail-order catalogs? more»
The Arrival Of Digital Television

issue 3315 | 04.22.98 | What Do You Think?

Digital television is being touted as the next big big breakthrough in home-entertainment technology, offering viewers hundreds of channels without a... more»