Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 29, 1998 - May 5, 1998 | Issue 33•16

Newborn Baby Imprisons Area Man

SAUK PRAIRIE, WI—Area high-school graduate and part-time gas-station attendant Greg Peters, 18, was eternally imprisoned Monday by the healthy birth of his son Herman, a seven-pound, three-ounce child delivered by Lisa Sandveldt, Peters' girlfriend of 17 months, at Sauk Prairie Community Hospital. "I guess I wouldn't have picked the name Herman, but that's what...

Clinton Criticized For Not Supporting Local Music Scene

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton, under fire for numerous allegations of Whitewater wrongdoing and sexual misconduct, found himself the subject... more»
Networks Urge Scientists To Release Latest Breast-Cancer Findings During Sweeps Week

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News

NEW YORK—A coalition of network-news executives made an appeal to breast-cancer researchers Monday, urging them to release any new findings... more»
Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a... more»
Funny Monkey Tested On

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and... more»
Another Bunch Of Southerners Dead

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Brief

THE SOUTH—Yet another deadly tornado, hurricane, flash flood or some other weather disaster ripped through the Southeast Monday, leaving yet... more»
Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John... more»
Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Brief

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a... more»
Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Brief

IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year,... more»
71 Percent Of Americans Approve Of Clinton's Approval Rating

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A poll released Monday by the D.C.-based firm Hahn & Associates revealed that 71 percent of Americans approve of President Clinton's... more»
Nation Healed By Awesome Sports Highlight

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Photos
The Elderly: Do They Suspect?

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Photos
Weak, Ineffectual Man Will Be Right Back With That Account File

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Photos
Roy Clark Deep-Fried In Beer Batter

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | News In Photos
I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | Commentary

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by... more»
I Should Not Be On A Postage Stamp Yet

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | Columnists

One of my favorite past-times is perusing my valuable postage-stamp collection. It is an avocation I took up shortly after my court-enforced... more»
Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | Advice

Joseph Crandall is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | Horoscopes

Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on... more»
Return Of The Rat Pack

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | Infographic

The Rat Pack—the swinging '60s crowd led by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.—is enjoying a resurgence in popularity, with several... more»
The Shroud Of Turin

issue 3316 | 04.29.98 | What Do You Think?

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being... more»