Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 6, 1998 - May 12, 1998 | Issue 33•17

Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding

SAN DIEGO—Mel Carr, an engulfed-in-flames San Diego real-estate broker, made a public plea to Congress Monday, urging legislators to increase funding for the study and prevention of human combustion. "Like most Americans, I thought the dangers posed by inadequate flame-retardation in the clothing I wear and materials around me was minimal to non-existent," Carr said. "Only now, when it is too late to save myself, do I realize that we can–and must–do more to protect ours...

Human Affection Now Available Only From Grandparents, Down Syndrome Children

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News

SEATTLE—In findings likely to have major ramifications on interpersonal relations throughout society, researchers at the University of... more»
Fox Disappointed In Low Ratings For New Sitcom Eat At Taco Bell

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News

LOS ANGELES—Fox will continue to stand by the sitcom that features crazy adventures, intriguing characters, and delicious Taco Bell food. more»
Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The embattled Clinton Administration found itself engulfed in still more controversy Wednesday, when The Washington Post... more»
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News

JERUSALEM—Jesus announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA customer-service supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ. more»
Koko The Gorilla Now Just Flipping Everybody Off

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Brief

WOODSIDE, CA–Koko, the famed gorilla whose mastery of sign language made her a celebrity, has now resorted to flipping everybody off. "Apparently,... more»
Astronomers Predict Giant Asteroid Will Hit Nation's Theaters This Summer

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA–Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory warned the U.S. government Monday that a six-mile-wide asteroid will strike movie theaters... more»
Cherokee Nation Leader Announces 32 Red A Winner

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Brief

CATOOSA, OK–Joe Byrd, Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation, issued a table-wide proclamation Saturday, declaring 32 red a winner. "And 32 red is... more»
Clinton, Hagar Meet To Discuss Federal Speed-Limit Issues

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, President Clinton held a special closed-door session with veteran rocker and automotive-acceleration activist Sammy... more»
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated and "no longer fooling around," the nation's substitute teachers publicly demanded Monday to know the identity of the... more»
Congress Passes Antisocial Insecurity Act

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Photos
Gated Community Under Siege By Savages

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Photos
Lee Majors: Does He Still Exist?

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Photos
Area Secretary Lotions Obsessively

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | News In Photos
I Think That Stripper Really Liked Me

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | Commentary

I know what you're going to say when I tell you this, but I think that stripper down at The Kitten Klub really liked me. The little red-haired one,... more»
The Milli Vanilli Saga Meets A Tragic End!

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | Columnists

Item! Grammy-winning superduo Milli Vanilli is no more! It breaks my heart to report this, but one of the members died in... more»
Zweibel Gets Nostalgic

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | Columnists

How I wish I was a young boy again, happily playing shuttle-cock and whisk-the-whippet with my little chums! more»
Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | Horoscopes

Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars. more»
Israel at 50

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | Infographic

Israel turns 50 this year. How are Israelis celebrating the event? more»
Teen Smoking On The Rise

issue 3317 | 05.06.98 | What Do You Think?

Despite the recent passage of numerous laws prohibiting tobacco manufacturers from marketing to minors, last week it was reported that teen smoking... more»