Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 13, 1998 - May 19, 1998 | Issue 33•18

Suicide Only Option For Local Man

CHAPEL HILL, NC—A blue-ribbon panel of leading psychotherapists, assembled to address growing concern about the unbelievably pathetic life of Kyle Lazlo, concluded Monday that suicide is the only viable option remaining for the longtime Chapel Hill loser. "Lazlo is what we doctors refer to clinically as a 'complete fuck-up,'" said panel member Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "While we realize that, ordinarily, the role of the therapist in working with su...

Plenty Of Soda Still Available Across Nation

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Soda access, convenience, and affordability are at all-time highs in America. more»
Critically Wounded Clinton Crawls To Nearest Farmhouse For Help

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News

BECKLEY, WV—President Clinton crawled over 20 miles to a farmhouse, where he is being tended to by elderly matron Mrs. Boggs. more»
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an... more»
Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged... more»
Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent... more»
Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as... more»
Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below... more»
No One Speculating About Family Matters Series Finale

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–With the historic final episode of CBS' Family Matters less than one week away, across the country, speculation is not running... more»
Celebrities: Are They Aware Enough Of AIDS?

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Photos
MGM Releases Gala Sixth-Anniversary Edition Of Son-In-Law

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Photos
Time-Traveling Commodities Trader Visits Alternate Hog Future

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Photos
Special Pull-Out Section: Rural Illinois' Sexist Moms

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | News In Photos
You Look Like You Could Use An Elizabethan Adventure On The Holodeck

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Commentary

Greetings, fellow citizen of the Federation! I couldn't help but notice that you seem a bit fatigued. I suspect that the many demands of Starfleet... more»
I'll Smoke Anything

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Commentary

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty.... more»
A Clotheshorse I Definitely Ain't!

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Columnists

If there's anything I know, it's that nobody likes a complainer. But sometimes, well, you just gotta unload. Especially when you're sure there are... more»
Do My Swiss Guard Resent Me?

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Columnists

My faithful man-servant Standish has informed me that a member of the Pope's Swiss Guard recently shot his commander, then trained the gun on... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Horoscopes

Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts. more»
Summer Movie Mania

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | Infographic

Summer is just around the corner. What are some of the movies we can look forward to? more»
Free Needles To Drug Users?

issue 3318 | 05.13.98 | What Do You Think?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming... more»