Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 20, 1998 - May 26, 1998 | Issue 33•19

Area Senior Stays Active

MIDDLEBURY, VT—"Life begins at 90." So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While others may imagine retired life to be dull, this resident of the Middlebury Home For The Aged stays active and vital with his favorite hobby–filling his trousers with his own bowel movements up to 40 hours a week! ..

New Wonder Drug Enables Users To Get Higher Than Hell

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News

WILMINGTON, DE–On Monday, Sloan Laboratories, a subsidiary of the Wilmington-based Merton Pharmaceuticals, unveiled Dexiflux-V, a new miracle drug... more»
School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News

BOWLING GREEN, KY—For weeks, 11-year-old Brian Kolodiczek loudly boasted to classmates that he was going to get back at everyone who had caused... more»
Control Of Russia Given To Random Flock Of Geese

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News

MOSCOW—Exhausted after years of failed attempts to establish order out of political and economic chaos, Russian officials finally gave up... more»
Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News

COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat... more»
Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any... more»
Tractor-Pull Fans Begin To Question Whether This Is What Life Is Really About

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Brief

CLAPP, TN—After attending their fourth such event in as many weeks, several rural Tennesseeans have begun to openly question whether tractor pulls... more»
Fugitive Movie Heroine Cuts Own Hair Perfectly

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Brief

SANTA MONICA, CA—A desperate flight from FBI agents resulted in a knockout new look Tuesday, as fugitive movie heroine Nicole Woodring, crouching... more»
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Brief

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing... more»
India Opens New Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear-Testing Facility

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Brief

PORBANDAR, INDIA—Ushering in a new era of nuclear strength in the global theater, India dedicated the $1.6 billion Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear... more»
Wheelchair Basketball Game Enjoyed For All The Wrong Reasons

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Photos

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Our Nation's Businessmen: Are They Just In It For The Money?

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Photos
College Graduate To Never Read A Book Again

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Photos
Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | News In Photos
They Should Name An Ice Cream Treat After Me

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Commentary

My name is Frosty Fritz, and I want an ice-cream treat named after me. more»
I Been Thinking A Lot Lately

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. What's doin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mess of trouble lately. more»
Prize-Fighting In My Day

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Columnists

Do not even begin to describe to me the recent pugilistic matches, because I wish not to hear of them. The fist-fighters of to-day are like babies... more»
Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Advice

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Horoscopes

Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach. more»
The New VW Beetle

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | Infographic

Advance orders for the newly revived VW Beetle have far exceeded Volkwagen's expectations. What do so many people want the car? more»
India And The Bomb

issue 3319 | 05.20.98 | What Do You Think?

India conducted five underground nuclear tests last week and has vowed to conduct more, prompting strong condemnation and economic sanctions from the... more»