Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 27, 1998 - June 2, 1998 | Issue 33•20

New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress. Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three...

Astronomer Discovers Center Of Universe

issue 3320 | 05.27.98 | News

PASADENA, CA—Dr. James Shrifkin announced Tuesday that the universe revolves around his precious son Brian. more»
New Starbucks Opens In Rest Room Of Existing Starbucks

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Starbucks announced that people can now enjoy an espresso any time they please, even while defecating. more»
Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News

FALMOUTH, MA—Near-tragedy turned to joy Monday, when Phillip and Karen Widman and their two children were rescued from their burning house on... more»
Dreamworks SKG Signs J&H Productions To Six-Year Deal

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Steven Spielberg of Dreamworks SKG confirmed the industry rumor Monday that Cincinnati-based J&H Productions International has been... more»
Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the... more»
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Brief

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his... more»
Iowa Board Of Tourism Launches 'Des Moines Is Des Perate' Campaign

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—The Iowa Board of Tourism is attempting to draw visitors to Des Moines, which attracted just 21 tourists last year, with an exciting... more»
Gasoline Still Inexplicably Cheaper Than Milk

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—The University of Texas released a report Monday stating that, for some inexplicable reason, gasoline, a steadily depleting,... more»
Uma Thurman, Ethan Hawke To Sire New Race Of Homo Celbritans

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Photos
Fiona Apple Releases Egg Sac

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Photos
Nation's Stray Dogs Call For Increased Wino-Vomit Production

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Photos
Overweight Woman Encased In Geo Metro

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | News In Photos
Buggy For Let!

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | Columnists

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | Horoscopes

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine. more»
Everybody's Working For The Weekend

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | Infographic

All across America, millions of people are toiling long hours just to make it to the respite of Saturday and Sunday. why are so many of us working fo... more»
Microsoft Under Fire

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business... more»
Safe Sex Tips

issue 3320 | 06.27.98 | Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe": more»