Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 10, 1998 - June 16, 1998 | Issue 33•22

Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after being crowned 1998 Miss Teen USA Sunday, Melissa Kenner, a 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior, used her newfound power to purge the Teen USA government and install herself as supreme leader for life. "All hail Miss Teen USA," proclaimed Kenner, the 1997 Miss Teen Missouri, minutes after her ascension to the throne. "All hail the glorious ne...

Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News

PHILADELPHIA—In a medical breakthrough that should come as welcome news for millions of at-risk Americans, University of Pennsylvania... more»
C-SPAN Ratings Up Following Addition Of 'The House Of Representatives Dancers'

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—C-SPAN viewership rose an impressive 21 percent during the latest Nielsen ratings period, an increase C-SPAN executives are... more»
Area Turtle Owner Enjoys Special Daily Turtle-Time

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News

DEARBORN, MI—Dennis Frye, 31, an unmarried lawn-care-supply wholesaler and home-turtle enthusiast, took special time out Monday, as he does... more»
Just Six Corporations Remain

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News

NEW YORK—At the current rate of mergers, there will be only one corporation in the world by the year 2000. more»
Suburban Teen Has Near-Def Experience

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Brief

NEWTON, MA—Matthew Denny, a 17-year-old suburban Caucasian, is recuperating following a harrowing near-def experience Monday at Newton's NorthTowne... more»
Mongol Hordes Sack U.S.

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Brief

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol... more»
Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Brief

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area... more»
Report: Nuclear Arsenal Will Go Bad Unless Used By 2000

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A Defense Department report released Monday stated that the U.S. has barely a year and a half before its enormous stockpile of... more»
Viagra Giving Hope To Thousands Of Struggling Stand-Up Comedians

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Brief

Released only a few months ago, the new wonder-drug Viagra is providing hope for thousands of impotent stand-up acts across the U.S. "Could you... more»
Overpopulation Of The Earth: Will It Create Valuable New Markets?

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Photos
Dante, Virgil To Tour L.A.

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Photos
Zamboni Crime Family Indicted In Ice-Shaving Scandal

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Photos
Hero Cop Receives Hero's Lap Dance

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | News In Photos
In Retrospect, I Guess We Might Have Resorted To Cannibalism A Bit Early

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | Commentary

Well, I suppose everyone's heard about last week's incident by now, and you probably have a pretty low opinion of us survivors. And, all things... more»
Turn The Lights Down Low

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | Columnists

Girl, I am going to treat you to a romantic night tonight. more»
My Latest New Nurse

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | Columnists

Ever since my treacherous ro-bot nurse Mr. Tin fled the estate for parts unknown, my bed-chamber has borne witness to a series of incompetents and... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 10, 1998

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | Horoscopes

Your hitting that nurse with your car will be regarded by nearly everyone as an accident, but many will strongly disapprove of your gutting her on... more»
The Return Of Studio 54

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | Infographic

The subject of two new movies and a VH1 special, Studio 54 is experiencing a revival. Why are people once again interested in the famed '70s disco? more»
Life After Michael

issue 3322 | 06.10.98 | What Do You Think?

With Michael Jordan closing out what could be his last season, the NBA may soon have to face life without its biggest draw and greatest ambassador.... more»