Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 17, 1998 - June 23, 1998 | Issue 33•23

Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

ATHENS, GA—In a highly stoned statement made while sitting around watching late-night cable TV with his roommates Tuesday, Athens-area stoner Dirk Udell announced his conviction that everyone on TV is also stoned. "You ever see that HBO series Mr. Show? Those guys are out there, man," said Udell, a part-time record-store clerk and occasional drummer for an as-yet-unnamed local band. "Those guys must...

Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News

VATICAN CITY—In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently... more»
Russian Scientists Announce Six-Month Delay In Carving New Space Station

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News

MOSCOW—Russian Space Agency officials cited safety concerns as well as proper craftsmanship as the reasons for the delay. more»
Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News

LOS ANGELES—Struggling actress Heather Pryor, 24, announced Monday that Vagisil is her number-one choice for fighting feminine itch. more»
Donut-Shaped Thing In Kitchen Junk Drawer Has No Discernible Purpose Whatsoever

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Brief

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it... more»
You Just Have To Get To Know Area Jerk

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Brief

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where he's... more»
Brief Ceremony Marks Delivery Boy's Passage Into Delivery Manhood

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Brief

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a... more»
Bus Rider Clutching Head In Pain Completely Ignored

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus... more»
Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of... more»
New York To Host 1998 Ill-Will Games

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Photos
Sun-Dried Sparrow Carcass Washed Away With Hose

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Photos
Area Molestation Victim Wants His Bear

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Photos
Las Vegas Casino Owners Announce Plans To Tear Down Don Rickles

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | News In Photos
Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | Commentary

As CEO of Johnson Home Products, manufacturers of quality household appliances and furnishings since 1884, I would like to take a moment to assure... more»
I Got This Killer Money-Making Idea

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. Whazzup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot going on. First off, I've been living on a diet of bread... more»
Judases!

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | Columnists

Judases! You are all Judases! That's right—you! I work my fingers to the bone for nearly a century to bring you a nice news-paper with crisp... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | Horoscopes

The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata. more»
The Swing Revival

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | Infographic

From Gap commercials to the film Swingers to bands like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, swing music is suddenly all the rage again. Why are so many young... more»
Bilingual Education Under Fire

issue 3323 | 06.17.98 | What Do You Think?

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of... more»