Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 24, 1998 - June 30, 1998 | Issue 33•24

Miracle Sports Bottle Has Name Of Bank On Side

SHIOCTON, WI—The nation's banking and portable-beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Monday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle mysteriously bearing the corporate logo of a Shiocton, WI, financial institution. The bottle, which measures nine inches in height not counting the attached plastic straw, appears to be a perfectly normal beverage...

Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The bill is a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. more»
1,500 Dead In AT&T Cost-Cutting Measure

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News

NEW YORK—Seeking to reduce costs, AT&T eliminated 1,500 mid-level employees Tuesday. more»
Intensive Five-Year Study Finds Five Years A Long-Ass Time

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News

PRINCETON, NJ—The 350-page report on dichlorobenzine noted that the researches will never have those five years back again. more»
Hero Cop Vows To Hunt Down Reasonably Priced Riding Mower

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News

DETROIT—Calling himself "a man possessed," Dennis Zablocki, a 22-year veteran of the Detroit Police Department, announced Tuesday that he will... more»
Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News

COEUR D'ALENE, ID—Repression was the order of the day as the National Rifle Association's North Idaho Chapter held its annual convention this... more»
Comedy Central Celebrates One Millionth Airing Of Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin'

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time.... more»
Local Christian Sees Parallel To Your Situation In Bible

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in... more»
Industrial Light & Magic Creates Believable Storyline

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Brief

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming... more»
Area Fifth-Grader Won't Shut Up About Raccoons

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Brief

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever... more»
NYC Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail To Wipe Off Meat With Rag

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a... more»
Indonesian Unrest Quelled For Tourist Season

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Photos
Lucky Dead Student Gets Own Page In Yearbook

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Photos
Wine Cooler Goes Straight To Dental-Office Receptionist's Head

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Photos
Richard Simmons Fighting For Life In Estrogen Tent

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | News In Photos
West-Wing Tech-Support Crew Be A Buncha Wack Bitches

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | Columnists

Yo yo yo yo yo yo, whassssup, bruthas and sistas of H-Dog, Tha Lowdown Funky-Fresh Gangsta Bad Ass of the Accountz Reeceevable Department of Midstate... more»
We Must Act Now Against The Barbary Pirates

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | Columnists

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was originally known, The Mercantile-Onion.... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | Horoscopes

If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head. more»
The Organic-Supermarket Boom

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | Infographic

Natural and organic supermarket chains like Whole Foods and Fresh Fields are spreading fast. Why are people flocking to them? more»
The School-Choice Debate

issue 3324 | 06.24.98 | What Do You Think?

Debate is raging over the issue of school choice, whose advocates are calling for tax-supported vouchers that can go toward private-school tuition.... more»