Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 22, 1998 - July 28, 1998 | Issue 33•25

Fry-Cook Disciplined

LINCOLN, NE—Controversy engulfed the fast-food industry Monday with the decision by Denny's to formally discipline Lincoln-area fry cook Raymond Ortiz for an alleged scheduling-policy violation. According to Denny's director of public relations Donald Bleiden, Ortiz committed his third major violation in less than 60 days when, on July 20, he failed to arrive on time for his scheduled sh...

New Smokable Nicotine Sticks: Can They Help Smokers Quit?

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News

LOUISVILLE, KY—When Adrienne Lundy, 37, a pack-a-day smoker from Louisville, was diagnosed last November with a malignant tumor on her right... more»
Clinton Escapes Through Air Vent

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bill Clinton escaped through an air vent moments before he was scheduled to testify before a grand jury. more»
Area Guidance Counselor's Door Always Open

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News

MANKATO, MN—Nick Wisniewski, 35, a guidance counselor at William Henry Harrison High School, announced Tuesday that the door to his office is... more»
Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Brief

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in... more»
Human Feet Originally Used For Walking, Anthropologists Report

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Brief

OXFORD, ENGLAND—A new report in the Journal Of The Anthropological Society Of Oxford reveals that human feet were likely once used as a... more»
Man Takes Free Thing He Doesn't Want

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Brief

MESA, AZ—Despite a complete lack of interest in skin moisturization, area electrician Drew Shymanski took a complimentary six-ounce sample bottle... more»
Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of... more»
Kellogg's Pulls Controversial 'Choco-Bastard' From Store Shelves

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Brief

BATTLE CREEK, MI—Amid a firestorm of controversy, Kellogg's is voluntarily ceasing all sales of its new cereal Choco-Bastard. "We are withdrawing... more»
Nation's Insomniacs Speak Out Against World's-Strongest-Man Competitions

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Photos
Is Your Privacy Being Violated? An Exclusive Hidden-Camera Investigation

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Photos
Chinese Graduate Student Pursues Master's In Political Silence

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Photos
Actress Leaves Porn Past Behind With New Cinemax Erotic Thriller

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | News In Photos
Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Commentary

I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've... more»
Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Columnists

I don't know about you, but I've always been tempted to call one of those psychic phone lines. After all, who wouldn't want to know what's going to... more»
A Day At The Senior Center

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Columnists

Last Thursday, I woke to discover enormous clothes-moths flapping about my bed-chamber. Horrified, I screamed for Standish, who valiantly tried to... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 22, 1998

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Horoscopes

In all the uncertain and ever-changing cosmos, this is the one and only eternal and unassailable truth: You sure as hell ain't no Cary Grant. more»
The Return Of Pro Wrestling

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Infographic

Professional wresting is enjoying its greatest wave of popularity since the mid-'80s. Why are people flocking to it? more»
Secret Service Under The Gun

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | What Do You Think?

In a move many fear will jeopardize future presidential security, independent counsel Kenneth Starr has subpoenaed Secret Service personnel to... more»
Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material

issue 3325 | 07.22.98 | Tips

The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from... more»