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July 29, 1998 - August 4, 1998 | Issue 33•26

Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms Reaches Trade Agreement With Food & Drug Administration

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms and the Food & Drug Administration reached a formal trade agreement Monday. Under the terms of the deal, the ATF will provide the FDA with alcohol, tobacco and firearms in exchange for equal value in food and drugs. "My administrative assistants and I were enjoying some of our food the other day when it hit us,"...

God Cites 'Moving In Mysterious Ways' As Motive In Killing Of 3,000 Papua New Guineans

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News

VANIMO, PAPUA NEW GUINEA—In His first official statement since the July 17 tsunami that claimed the lives of an estimated 3,000 Papua New... more»
'98 Homosexual-Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—Spokespersons for the National Gay & Lesbian Recruitment Task Force announced Monday that more than 288,000 straights have been... more»
Depression Sufferer Insufferable

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News

DURHAM, NC—Despite an elaborate regimen of prescription medications and thrice-weekly therapy sessions, local depression sufferer Gary Blanke... more»
Area Client Would Like A Different Font

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Brief

PASSAIC, NJ—Gavin Werdlick, owner of a chain of Passaic-area sub shops, would prefer a different font, sources at Byrd Advertising learned... more»
Pursued Drunk Driver Crafts Brilliant 'Don't Stop' Plan

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Brief

TUPELO, MS—Law-enforcement officials and tactical analysts alike are applauding the creativity of drunk driver Leon Frisch, who responded to... more»
Morbidly Obese Man Recommends You Read The Hobbit

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Roy Cordell, a 475-pound science-fiction enthusiast, strongly recommends you read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, it was learned... more»
Porn-Store Change Machine Gummed Up Again

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Despite three thorough cleanings this month, the change machine at Naughty But Nice Adult Magazines & Video Gallery has once again become... more»
KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct 24-Piece Party Bucket From Single Chicken Leg

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Brief

LEXINGTON, KY—In a major paleontological breakthrough, scientists at the Sanders Institute have successfully reconstructed a 24-piece KFC party... more»
Shanghai Family Sick Of Eating Chinese

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Photos

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White Sprinter Finishes Fifth

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Photos

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MTV Blurs Out Controversial Extended Middle Finger

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Photos

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27-Year-Old Regrets 'Funky Cold Medina' Tattoo

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | News In Photos
I, Rowboat

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | Commentary

I am a Rowboat of the sort referred to as the Thompson Watercraft nine-foot Vacationer model. Among my kind, I am called TW-VAC-9J5-1581. To my human... more»
Babs And Brolin: The Wedding Of The Century!

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | Columnists

Item! I always thought that Charles and Diana had the wedding of the century, what with that bridal train that could have slept... more»
Story-Time For Zweibel

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | Columnists

Not long ago, I mentioned that a nurse with extensive experience in the care of circus freaks had been hired to look after me. When I was first... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 29, 1998

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | Horoscopes

This week will find you getting back to basics when brain damage sustained in a horrendous circus accident forces you to learn to walk, talk and feed... more»
Movie Soundtrack Mania

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | Infographic

Currently, five of the top ten albums in the U.S. are movie soundtracks, including those for Armageddon and City Of Angels—numbers one and two,... more»
Media Credibility In Question

issue 3326 | 07.29.98 | What Do You Think?

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati... more»