Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 5, 1998 - August 11, 1998 | Issue 34•01

U.S. Department Of Self-Help Names New National Support Person

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Secretary of Self-Help Edward Wiersma named best-selling author and noted empowerment expert Dr. Nancy Weeks, Ph.D., the new National Support Person. "Whether struggling to overcome alcohol addiction, worki...

New Product Available

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News

Americans were finally given another outlet for their discretionary-income spending Tuesday, when it was announced that a new consumer-product item... more»
Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News

AD DUWAYM, SUDAN—Retired Sudanese Army captain and father of three, Katum Malakai, 14, wonders where the time has gone. more»
Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News

THE WOODS—An estimated 15 woodland animals gathered for an improvised oompah-band jamboree Monday. more»
Wellesley College Removes Phrase 'Hot All-Girl Action' From School Brochure

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Brief

WELLESLEY, MA—Responding to widespread protests, Wellesley College is withdrawing the phrase "Hot All-Girl Action" from its recruitment brochures,... more»
Vigilante Judge Takes Law Into Own Hands

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Brief

CHEYENNE, WY—Circuit Court Judge Cedric Traynor, the notorious, media-dubbed "Vigilante Judge," took the law into his own hands once again Tuesday,... more»
Spiderman Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A major jewel heist was lip-smackingly thwarted Monday, when noted criminal overlord Dr. Octopus was brought to justice thanks to... more»
Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Brief

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—According to tests conducted by school psychologists and reading teachers, local third-grader Stephanie Franck is so... more»
'Please Don't Feed The Poor' Campaign Catching On

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Big-city mayors across the U.S. are hailing Congress' recently passed, $550 million "Please Don't Feed The Poor" public-awareness... more»
Employees: Are They Costing U.S. Businesses Too Much Money?

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Photos
Allstate Charged With Operating Protection Racket

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Photos
Area Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Photos
Charles Durning Hocks Up Four-Pound Chunk Of Phlegm

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | News In Photos
From The Diaries Of My Father

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | Columnists

My father, Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel, was a great man and a beloved figure throughout the Republic, until his reputation was... more»
We Gave Rex To A Nice Farm Family vs. They Had Me Put To Sleep At The Vet

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | Point-Counterpoint

Don't you worry about Rex. Your father and I gave him to a nice farm family. Now he'll be able to run and jump and play outside all day long. more»
Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | Horoscopes

After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000... more»
Fright-Flick Fever

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | Infographic

For years a dormant genre, horror movies are suddenly hot again. Why are people flocking to them? more»
Security Concerns At The Capitol

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | What Do You Think?

On July 24, Russell Weston Jr. entered the U.S. Capitol with a .38 caliber revolver and killed two guards, prompting calls for tighter security in... more»
'Keep-Cool' Tips

issue 3401 | 08.05.98 | Tips

Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer... more»