Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 12, 1998 - August 18, 1998 | Issue 34•02

Man Who Fought For Americans' Rights Demands Americans Stop Exercising Their Rights

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaking before the U.S. Senate Tuesday, Herbert Macallum, a retired Wichita, KS, insurance salesman and Navy veteran who fought during World War II to protect the inalienable rights of all Americans, demanded that U.S. citizens stop exercising those rights. "As someone who risked his life for this country, I am infuriated when I see protesters...

Saddam Hussein Steps Down Following Sex Scandal

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News

BAGHDAD—Succumbing to public outcry and intense media scrutiny over his alleged March 1996 sexual liaison with a Presidential Palace concubine,... more»
Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bruce Willis will star as The Abdomenizer, a federal agent with nothing to lose but those unsightly love handles. more»
Report: 32 Percent Of U.S. Citizens Still Not Famous

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, only 32 percent of Americans are still not famous. more»
Need For Coffee Overrides Scalding Sensation

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Brief

ESCONDIDO, CA—Need for caffeine won out over intense, searing pain Tuesday, as Escondido-area coffee drinker Stephanie Cutler continued to drink... more»
Horrible Pack Of Theme-Restaurant Waitresses Alerted Of Patron's Birthday

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Brief

LODI, MI—At the last moment, a cackling, seething coven of waitresses at a local Chi Chi's was alerted to restaurant patron Jim Alea's 32nd... more»
Pepsico Marketing Mix-Up Results In $300 Million Lemon-Lime Doritos Campaign

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Brief

PURCHASE, NY—Pepsico executives are blaming "interdepartmental miscommunication" for the recent $300 million rollout of "Citrus Blast" lemon-lime... more»
Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Brief

MESA, AZ—A bizarre, unprecedented spinal injury sustained in a car accident Saturday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the... more»
John Henson, Craig Kilborn Meet For Historic Smug-Bastard Summit

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Talk Soup host John Henson and The Daily Show anchor Craig Kilborn arrived Monday at New York's Jacob Javits Center for the... more»
Out Of Respect For Families, Horrific Disaster Footage Repeated Hourly

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Photos
New Diet Surge Targets Overweight Snowboarders

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Photos
Inside: What The Stars Were Wearing At Terrible Movie's Gala Premiere

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Photos
Area Mother Enters 16th Year Of Post-Partum Depression

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | News In Photos
If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | Commentary

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck... more»
Girl, He's No Good For You

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | Columnists

Baby, I have sat patiently for a long time while another man has kept you warm at night, made sweet love to you, and presented you with gifts of... more»
The Golden Age Of Zweibel Revisited

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | Columnists

As every student knows, the period of American history spanning the years 1896 to 1913 is known as the Golden Age Of Zweibel. It was a time when... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | Horoscopes

Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders... more»
Decline Of The Athlete-Endorser

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | Infographic

In the past year, sneaker corporations have terminated the endorsement deals of literally hundreds of pro athletes, including Shaquille O'Neals' by... more»
National Parks Under Siege

issue 3402 | 08.12.98 | What Do You Think?

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems and prompting calls for a limit... more»