Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 19, 1998 - August 25, 1998 | Issue 34•03

New Pen Brings Fleeting Moment Of Satisfaction To Local Man

HARTFORD, CT–Duane Grunfeld, a 44-year-old Hartford-area insurance-claims processor, experienced a passing moment of satisfaction in his otherwise agonized existence Tuesday when he purchased a new pen. "It's a nice pen–smooth-writing and easy on the hand," Grunfeld said of the $2.79 UniBall Gel Writer XT he purchased during his allotted 30-minute lunch...

Man Receives First-Ever Mouse-Heart Transplant

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News

MILWAUKEE, WI—The patient will be able to enjoy a long, happy life as long as he doesn't overexert himself by attempting to walk. more»
Angels, Aliens Battle For Imagination Of American People

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–Heavenly, beatific angels and extraterrestrial aliens are deadlocked in the fight for the hearts and minds of the American people,... more»
E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News

SMYRNA, GA–Gregg Reinisch, a Smyrna-area masturbator, stays on top of all the latest trends in swimwear by watching the E! cable network, it was... more»
Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than two years remaining in his second term, Bill Clinton publicly chastised... more»
Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Brief

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with... more»
Riverboat Horseracing Fails Utterly

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Brief

BILOXI, MS—Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we... more»
Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Brief

KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported... more»
Al Gore Excited, Proud To Be At Local Event

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Brief

LAS CRUCES, NM—Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he... more»
Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Brief

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans... more»
Hotcake Sales Brisk

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Photos
Teen Runaway Starts New High-Paying Career

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Photos
Does Strange Death Curse Haunt Cast Of Gone With The Wind?

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Photos
Local News Anchor Happy As Hell, Going To Take It For Long, Long Time

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | News In Photos
Man, This Pepsi Pop-Culture Bottlecap Game Is Fun!

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Commentary

As a member of the hip, media-savvy "twentysomething" generation, I can tell you that there's nothing I enjoy more than pop-cultural references.... more»
I Wish Someone Would Visit My Grave

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Commentary

My name is Catherine Mary Hobart. I was born near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1791 and died near Schuyler Town-Ship in 1814. My father was a farmer and... more»
They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Columnists

Hola amigos! What's goin' down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I've had problems like you... more»
Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Columnists

To-day marks the 100th anniversary of my marriage to my beloved wife, Mrs. Zweibel. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of my 41 years with her.... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Horoscopes

Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of... more»
The Online Shopping Boom

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | Infographic

Online consumer sales are expected to total $6.1 billion in 1998, rising to $20 billion by 2000. Why are so many Americans kissing their malls... more»
The Definition Of Sex

issue 3403 | 08.19.98 | What Do You Think?

President Clinton reportedly told Monica Lewinsky during an alleged tryst that oral sex does not count as sexual relations. What do you think... more»