Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 26, 1998 - September 1, 1998 | Issue 34•04

Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago. "I'm coming straight from work, so please be there," Hennings told Zeger during the 40-second telephone call she made from her new apartment, the location of which is unknown to Zeger. "Dave and I have tickets to a sho...

Two Teens Held In Lunch-Lady Mocking Incident

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News

JASPER, IN–Jasper Junior High School became the site of the nation's latest incident of teen ridicule Tuesday, when a pair of lunch ladies was... more»
Lilith Fair Performers, Attendees Achieve Largest-Ever Synchronized Ovulation

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News

SALT LAKE CITY, UT–In what is believed to be the largest group ovulation in history, more than 20,000 Lilith Fair performers and attendees... more»
Report: Americans Receive Majority Of Vitamins Through Hair

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News

BOSTON–A report published in the Aug. 25 issue of The New England Journal Of Medicine indicates that the average American receives 87... more»
Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place... more»
Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Brief

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area... more»
Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Brief

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur... more»
7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn... more»
Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Brief

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped... more»
Ratings Low For NPR Morning Zoo Crew

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–National Public Radio officials are blaming "inadequate listener support" for the low ratings plaguing the two-month-old NPR... more»
Personals Ad Takes Hardline Anti-Fatties Stance

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Photos

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Container Of Recyclables Emptied Into Trash

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Photos
Lone Mexican In Mexican Restaurant Doing The Dishes

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Photos
Steven Spielberg: Can His Career Be Salvaged?

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | News In Photos
Aroint Thee, Heretic!

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | Commentary

To-day's Sermon concerns Those who have committ'd various Transgressions against the Lord Our God and wish to atone for their Sins. more»
Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | Columnists

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days.... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | Horoscopes

You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what... more»
The Crumbling Networks

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | Infographic

After decades of dominance, network television is losing huge chunks of its viewership to cable TV and the Internet. What are the networks doing to... more»
HMOs And Birth Control

issue 3404 | 08.26.98 | What Do You Think?

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think? more»