Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 2, 1998 - September 8, 1998 | Issue 34•05

New Yorker Subscriber Considering Bose Wave Radio Purchase

MAMARONECK, NY–According to reports, Mamaroneck-area New Yorker reader Cal Tillinghast is strongly considering the purchase of a Bose Wave radio. The 49-year-old Tillinghast, associate curator of special exhibits for the Whitney Museum, was moved to consider purchasing a Bose Wave radio after spotting an ad for the distinctively curved piece of sound equipment...

Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News

ITHACA, NY—A radical new anti-aging hormone that promises to add years to humans’ pointless lives has been discovered. more»
The Chevy Chase Show Enters Sixth Blockbuster Season In Alternate Universe

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News

LOS ANGELES–The Chevy Chase Show is steamrolling into its sixth blockbuster season in an alternate universe, it was reported Tuesday. more»
Fellow Dormmates Warned About Christian In 462

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News

GAINESVILLE, FL—Sophomore Jeff Arnell said he first suspected his dormmate's faith in the Lord on Friday. more»
Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News

BURWELL, NE–Local hair stylist Pam Nowicki would love to do Julia Roberts' hair, Nowicki announced Monday at the Mane Attraction Beauty Salon in... more»
Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly... more»
Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Brief

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the... more»
Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Brief

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday... more»
Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered... more»
Man In Suit Makes Decision Affecting Thousands Of Non-Suited Individuals

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Photos
Butterfly On Ankle Marks Passage Into Womanhood

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | News In Photos
Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Commentary

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who... more»
Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Columnists

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've... more»
The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Columnists

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Sexual Harassment In The Workplace Must Stop vs. I Love The Way Your Tits Bounce When You Type

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Point-Counterpoint

Sadly, some 30 years after the Women's Movement first brought to the national spotlight the discrimination and double-standards women face in our... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1998

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Horoscopes

Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake. more»
E-Mail Security

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Infographic

E-mail security is a growing issue in the business world. What are people doing to protect their messages from prying eyes? more»
School Days

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Statshot

What are the top-selling back-school items? more»
First Family In Crisis

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of the Lewinsky scandal, media focus has shifted to the First Family, with some speculating that Bill and Hillary will divorce upon... more»
Hurricane Safety Tips

issue 3405 | 09.02.98 | Tips

Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm: more»