Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 9, 1998 - September 15, 1998 | Issue 34•06

Local Teen 'Definitely' Going To Burning Man Next Year

LONGMONT, CO–Addressing a group of fellow Carver High School students assembled in the school's commons area, 17-year-old Todd Kelso announced Monday that he is "definitely" going to Burning Man next year. "There's no way I'm gonna miss Burning Man next year," Kelso said of the annual week-long gathering in Nevada's Black Rock Desert, held Aug. 31-Sept. 7 this year....

Oprah Viewers Patiently Awaiting Instructions

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News

CHICAGO—Approximately 60 million viewers are on standby, stationed in front of their TVs, awaiting further instruction from their leader. more»
Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News

GLENDALE, AZ—16-year-old Adrian Lucas' suicide came as no surprise to his parents, who said it was a textbook case. more»
Yeltsin Forcibly Ejected From Detroit-Area Check-Cashing Service

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News

DETROIT–Russia's economic woes continued Tuesday, when a belligerent Boris Yeltsin was forcibly ejected from a Detroit-area check-cashing service... more»
Saltless Pretzel Hangs Alone In Bulb-Heated Rack

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Brief

ODESSA, TX–A saltless "Superpretzel" is still hanging alone in a bulb-heated rack at Horizon Lanes, officials for the Odessa-area bowling alley... more»
Subsidiary Publication Recommends You See Parent Corporation's Movie

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–In its latest issue, People magazine, a Time Warner subsidiary publication, strongly urged readers to see Deadlock, a new... more»
Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Brief

SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex,... more»
Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Brief

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky.... more»
Beanie Broker Urges Storkholders To Sell

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Anxious over wildly fluctuating conditions in the worldwide Beanie market, Manhattan-based Beanie broker Michelle Pivarnik is strongly... more»
Local Cat Attempts World Record For Things Sat On

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Photos
Area Man Could Use The Overtime Anyway

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | News In Photos
We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Commentary

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we... more»
I Feel Like A Big Man

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Commentary

My name is Erwin Caswell, and my hobby is terrorizing young children. Why do I do such a thing? One reason and one only: It makes me feel like a big... more»
I'm Gonna Even The Score With Some Uppity Mechanics

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's the score? Me, I've been wiped out with a capital WIPED. First off, I've had a bad cold for the last week or so. I don't know... more»
I Wrote Another Play

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Columnists

For years now, I have fancied myself a bit of an amateur dramatist, and you may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a play entitled The Happy... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Horoscopes

You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure. more»
Order On The Tube

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Infographic

Judge Judy, The People's Court, Judge Mills Lane–everywhere you look on TV these days, court is in session. Why are judge... more»
Top Adult Films

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | Statshot

What are the top-selling adult videos of the summer? more»
Princess Di One Year Later

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3406 | 09.09.98 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK Fox Real Humans In Real Pain Feral Dingoes Eating Children On Tape Jiggle It Beach L.A. Chicks Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode UPN The Unwatchables Voyage To The Bottom Of The Nielsens Theoretically Existing Show Praying For Syndication The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through WB Where My Wife At? Gittin' Yo Freak On Me & My Psychic Kids Suck The Darnedest Things Dawson's Clothes CABLE Animal Planet Incontinent Rhinos Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist STAY! The Best Of STAY! E! Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills ESPN2 Finland's Brutalest Man Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui Sci-Fi Space: 1972 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction? Mid-Budget Galaxy Lifetime How Can I Choose Between My Daughters? The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband In Self-Defense The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television TNN Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit! You Hush Up, Wanda Mae Sheeeeeeee-it! Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck Telemundo ¡Roberto Amoroso En Aqua Caliente! ¡Whoomp! ¿Dondé Esta? ¡Gooooooooooooal! ¡Ai! ¡Ai! ¡Ai! ¡Ai! ¡Ai! La Hora De Goya PublicAccess Blurry Steve Inaudible City Council Meeting Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello? The Best Of Lunch Menus My Friend Made This Short Film Men With Braids Speak Out Cinemax Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts) Naked Exposition (Traci Lords) Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato) Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)