Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 16, 1998 - September 22, 1998 | Issue 34•07

Americans Want Racial Equality, Creme Filling

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a poll released Tuesday by Princeton University's Institute For Social Research, racial equality and creme filling rank at the top of U.S. citizens' wish lists. The comprehensive five-year study found that 64 percent of Americans favor greater racial equality in all sectors of American life, contending that, nearly 35 years after the...

Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News

LAGUNA HILLS, CA—It is a typical Sunday in this conservative Orange County suburb, as the parishioners of Holy Christ Almighty Baptist Church... more»
Headless Barbie Found In Shallow Shoebox Grave

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News

MANSFIELD, OH—Residents of this central Ohio town are reeling from Monday's discovery of the severely burned and mutilated body of a Barbie doll,... more»
NBC Unveils New 'Please-See TV' Thursday-Night Lineup

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News

NEW YORK—NBC is the place to be for shows you will want to watch if you have any sense of compassion. more»
Blues Singer's Woman Permitted To Tell Her Side

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News

CLARKSDALE, MS–Ida Mae Dobbs, longtime woman of Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against... more»
Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Brief

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of... more»
Big-Hair Lady Loves Jesus

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Brief

FT. WAYNE, IN—Patricia Templeton, a 54-year-old Ft. Wayne big-hair lady, loves Jesus, it was learned Monday. "I do love my Lord Jesus with all my... more»
Public-Speaking Student To Make Point Of Gesturing

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Brief

ABILENE, TX—Jonathan Cranland, president of the Eisenhower High School public-speaking club, announced Tuesday that he will gesture for emphasis... more»
Trinidad And Tobago Issues Commemorative Leonardo DiCaprio Postage Stamp

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Brief

PORT-OF-SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO—The Caribbean nation of Trinidad And Tobago honored actor Leonardo DiCaprio Monday with a special commemorative... more»
Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Brief

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden... more»
Heston: 'We Must Arm Ourselves If We Are To Defeat The Apes'

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Photos
America's Love Affair With Jim Breuer To Start Any Day Now

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | News In Photos
There Will Be An 80-Foot Statue Of Daniel J. Travanti If I Have To Build It Myself

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Commentary

One of the fundamental problems with America today, as a nation and a television audience, is a lack of reverence. We lack reverence for the elderly.... more»
Keep Smiling!

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Columnists

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies,... more»
Sing A Happy Tune

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Columnists

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a... more»
Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Advice

Zach Peters is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 16, 1998

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Horoscopes

Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash. more»
Prime-Time 'Toons

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Infographic

From South Park to King Of The Hill to NBC's new Stressed Eric, animated shows are everywhere these days. Why so many cartoons? more»
Top-Paid Janitors

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Statshot
End Of The Boom?

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | What Do You Think?

Shaken by currency crises in Russia and the Far East, the stock market has plunged more than 1,600 points in the past two months. What do you... more»
Making Your Marriage Last

issue 3407 | 09.16.98 | Tips

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of... more»