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September 23, 1998 - September 29, 1998 | Issue 34•08

Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine

LOS ANGELES–In what is believed to be the widest-reaching appeal ever made by an individual on behalf of an oral-hygiene aid, an unidentified man urged millions of people across the U.S. to purchase Listerine-brand antiseptic mouthwash Monday. The bizarre, nationally televised plea remains unexplained as of press time. "Why this individual should be so...

Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL—After years of construction, Corpadverticus, the new circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. more»
'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News

SANTA FE, NM—Sniveling office-management consultant Jim Smuda has been solving productivity problems for over six years. more»
Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Contending that morse-coded descriptions of improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American boys yet in... more»
Local Anorexic Still Way Too Fat

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News

SILVER SPRING, MD—Despite years of intense dieting and vigorous exercise, Lisa Kimmel is still too fat, she reported Monday. more»
Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Brief

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220... more»
Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn... more»
Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Brief

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric... more»
Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies... more»
Seventh-Graders Still Undecided On Disparaging Name For Mr. Hyslop

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Brief

ROME, GA–After several weeks of deliberation, a high-ranking coalition of Rome Middle School seventh-graders remains undecided on what derisive... more»
New Drug Offers Hope To Infertile Inner-City Teens

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Photos
GM Workers Strike For 2,000-Peso Raise

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | News In Photos
Many Civil War Reenactments, Sadly, Are Still Not Handicap Accessible

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Commentary

There's nothing quite like a Civil War reenactment. Dressing in the woolen uniform of the period, eating hardtack and bacon, and firing black-powder... more»
Zweibelmas Is Becoming Too Commercial

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Columnists

Another Zweibelmas has come and gone. I wish I could say that it was the most joyous one yet, but, sadly, I cannot. And it is not because... more»
I Got What You Need

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Columnists

You are looking very fine. I am serious. more»
Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Horoscopes

An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal. more»
Home-Run Hysteria

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Infographic

All eyes are on Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa as the sluggers battle it out for the single-season home-run crown. Why are Americans so captivated by... more»
What Attracts Us To The Opposite Sex?

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Statshot
Impeach Clinton?

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | What Do You Think?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What... more»
Choosing A Rest Home For Your Loved One

issue 3408 | 09.23.98 | Tips

Choosing the best nursing home possible for an elderly parent can be a difficult task. Here are some helpful tips to guide you through this very... more»