Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 30, 1998 - October 6, 1998 | Issue 34•09

Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars All Day

ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day. Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At approximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the...

Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News

JERUSALEM—The World Rabbinical Council announced that Jews worldwide may "dig in to the delicious taste of ham." more»
World Bank Offers Indonesia Totally Free Checking

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Its currency and economy decimated by the lingering Asian financial crisis, Indonesia received welcome news Tuesday, when the... more»
March '74 Oui Passed Down To Next Generation In Special Ceremony

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News

SHAWANO, WI—Here in this sleepy northeastern Wisconsin town, a time-honored ritual is about to be solemnly observed, as 16-year-old Chris Weineke... more»
CBS: L.A. Doctors Not Some Kind Of Joke

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—CBS programming executives reiterated their insistence Monday that the network's new medical drama L.A. Doctors is not some kind of... more»
Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Morton Schuitt, a distribution supervisor with DataTech Enterprises, is expected to work with these incompetents, it was learned Monday.... more»
Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a... more»
Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't... more»
Dying Mastermind Pulls Red Lever

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

LIBERTY CITY—With his last ounce of strength, dying evil genius Dr. Mordred pulled a red lever Monday, activating his diabolical Ragnarok Device... more»
U.S. Dignity Reserves Nearly Depleted

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Pride and Self-Worth, the nation's dignity reserves stand at an... more»
Celine Dion Served Luxurious Cat Food In Crystal Goblet

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Photos
Suicide Bombing: Can Parents Spot The Warning Signs?

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | News In Photos
Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Commentary

Please, everybody, don't feel sad. I understand how bad you all feel inside. I know it must seem so awful to you, but there's no reason to be blue.... more»
Damn You, Hearst!

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Columnists

From the Bed-chamber of T. Herman Zweibel. The Zweibel Estate. To Mr. William Randolph Hearst. San Simeon,... more»
Everybody's Swinging, Daddy-O!

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Columnists

Item! All across America, kids are putting on their Zoot Suits and lining up around the block to swing dance again! Sparked by the... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Horoscopes

Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules." more»
Herbal Remedies

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Infographic

Millions of Americans are turning to natural herbs for their health and healing needs. Why? more»
Least-Stalked Celebrities

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | Statshot

Who are America's least-stalked famous people? more»
Russia's Woes?

issue 3409 | 09.30.98 | What Do You Think?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you... more»