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October 7, 1998 - October 13, 1998 | Issue 34•10

Ex-Cop Drawn Into Web Of Intrigue And Deceit By Frequently Naked Woman

VAN NUYS, CA–Investigations are continuing into the recent downfall of Jack Castle, an ex-cop drawn into a web of intrigue and deceit by a frequently naked woman. Though police have yet to determine the exact cause of Castle's undoing, the frequent nudity of the "mystery woman" is believed to have played a major role. Castle, who served on the Van Nuys Police...

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News

AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony's New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly... more»
Jesse Jackson Honored For Providing Inner-City Youths With Increased Photo Opportunities

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News

NEW YORK—Jesse Jackson was awarded for providing inner-city youths with much-needed photo opportunities Tuesday. more»
Poll: 73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News

PRINCETON, NJ–According to the latest Gallup Poll, conducted Monday and Tuesday of this week, nearly three out of four Americans can no longer... more»
Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out... more»
Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the... more»
Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an... more»
Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday.... more»
Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses.... more»
World-Weary Man Bitterly Rents Mercury Rising

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Brief

BELLINGHAM, WA–Forced to choose a Saturday-evening entertainment option, exhausted consumer Glenn Waters bitterly rented the 1998 film Mercury... more»
Win A $10,000 Mall of America Dream Shooting Spree!

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Photos
On-Line Gambling Too Depressing To Even Think About

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | News In Photos
I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Commentary

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm... more»
Essay Contest Results

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Columnists

This is the column in which I was going to announce the winners of the 97th annual Onion Young Patriot Essay Contest, but none of the entries... more»
I Had Two Tickets To Paradise And Lost 'Em

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of crap to deal with. more»
Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Advice

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1998

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Horoscopes

You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey. more»
DVD Mania

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Infographic

DVD, or digital video disc, is the hot new entertainment format of the moment. What are consumers flocking to it? more»
Good-Time Eateries

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | Statshot

What are America's largest family-run restaurant chains? more»
Kosovo Intervention?

issue 3410 | 10.07.98 | What Do You Think?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air... more»