Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 14, 1998 - October 20, 1998 | Issue 34•11

Area Teen's Sister Looking Pretty Good To Friend Of Area Teen

SAN MATEO, CA–San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos announced Monday that Jessica Roth, 14, the previously unnoticed sister of best friend Andrew Roth, had "really grown a lot" since he last saw her and was now "looking pretty good." "I used to see Jessica a lot when I went over to Andrew's house, and I was always like, whatever," Campos said. "But I hadn't seen her in...

Asian Economic Crisis

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News
FBI Discontinues Surveillance Of Rockwell

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The FBI has determined that mid-'80s pop star Rockwell poses no significant threat to national security. more»
Nation's Wealthiest One Percent Demands Minority Status

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—America's billionaire yacht-owners are just asking for a level playing field. more»
Chicken Killed

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster. more»
Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Brief

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy... more»
Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Brief

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight... more»
Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Brief

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration... more»
Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Brief

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody... more»
Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Brief

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar... more»
Bush Vomiting Again

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Photos
White Couple Admires Fall Colors

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | News In Photos
Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Columnists

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick... more»
Go Easy On The President!

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Columnists

I was recently informed that Congress is considering impeaching the president, ostensibly over his lying about his dalliance with a comely young... more»
It Was Then That I Carried You vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Point-Counterpoint

One night, Jim, you had a dream. You dreamed you were walking along the beach with Me. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene,... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 14, 1998

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Horoscopes

Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant... more»
NBA Lockout

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Infographic

the 1998-9 NBA season is in jeopardy, with owners and players unable to reach a labor agreement. What are the players' demands? more»
Where Are We Scoring Our Heroin?

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Statshot
The Budget Surplus

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | What Do You Think?

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think? more»
Stain-Removal Guide

issue 3411 | 10.14.98 | Tips

Blood Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much. more»