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October 21, 1998 - October 27, 1998 | Issue 34•12

Restaurant Owner Doesn't Understand Why Anyone Would Want To Steal His Fiberglass Big Boy

NORFOLK, VA–Paul Krug, owner and manager of a Norfolk-area Bob's Big Boy, is deeply puzzled by Monday's theft of a giant fiberglass statue from the grounds of his restaurant. "Why the heck would anybody want to steal my Big Boy?" said Krug, staring at the four rusted bolts which had long anchored the oversized cartoon hamburger spokesman. "It just doesn't make any...

State Department To Hold Enemy Tryouts Next Week

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to fill the void that has plagued the American military-industrial complex since the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union,... more»
Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News

ST. JOHNSBURY, VT—Warren Geary derives pleasure and sexual stimulation from the sight of unclothed women. more»
Consumer-Product Diversity Now Exceeds Biodiversity

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an EPA study conducted in conjunction with the U.N. Task Force On Global Developmental Impact, consumer-product... more»
Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam... more»
First-Grader Reeks Of Urine

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not... more»
Shark Attack Claims Life Of Some Guy On TV

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of him during a segment... more»
Recent Saving Of Planet Attributed To Working Assets Long-Distance Plan

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS–A U.N. report released Monday traces last week's saving of the Earth to Working Assets' long-distance plan. "Working Assets, with... more»
Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I... more»
Great Books Of Western Civilization Used To Accent Den

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Brief

BETHESDA, MD–Beautiful, hand-tooled, leather-bound copies of the greatest works of Western literature "really spiffed up" the den of Elaine Gadsen... more»
Larry King's Frothing Saliva Hosed Off Bette Midler

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Photos
Area Stadium Inadequate

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | News In Photos
I Know What Is Best For Everyone

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Commentary

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of... more»
We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Commentary

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we... more»
The Picture Of T. Herman Zweibel

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Columnists

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Horoscopes

Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last... more»
Broadway's Back

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Infographic

After years of declining attendance Broadway enjoyed its biggest season ever in 1997-8. Why are so many people flocking to the Great White Way? more»
Tallest U.S. Rollercoasters

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Statshot
The Tyson Reinstatement

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of... more»
Wedding-Planning Tips

issue 3412 | 10.21.98 | Tips

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is... more»