Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 28, 1998 - November 3, 1998 | Issue 34•13

Fairy-Princess Ranks Depleting As Girls Aspire To Be Doctors, Lawyers

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a Bureau Of Labor Statistics report released Tuesday, the number of fairy princesses in the U.S. now stands at an all-time low. "Just two generations ago, nearly every girl in America aspired to be a fairy princess when she grew up," BLS director Katharine Abraham said. "Today, a majority of little girls will tell you they dream of entering...

EPA Warns Of Rise In Global Heartwarming

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–A report released Monday by the EPA warns that the threat of global heartwarming looms larger than previously suspected, with... more»
Purple Neon Light Around License Plate Lures Potential Mate

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News

MARSHFIELD, WI–A purple neon light bordering the license plate of Marshfield 20-year-old Doug Hoechst helped him lure a potential mate Saturday. more»
Area Man Forces Self To Drink Another Free Refill

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News

ERIE, PA–Local fast-food consumer Don Turnbee forced himself to drink another free refill Tuesday, despite the fact that he had already consumed... more»
Fox News Channel Adds Laugh Track

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–Seeking to distinguish itself in the highly competitive arena of TV news, Fox News Channel added a laugh track to its broadcast Monday.... more»
Storybook Romance Leads To In-Flight-Magazine Marriage

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

MORRISTOWN, NJ–A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. "Matthew... more»
Scott Bakula Turns 43, Newspaper Reports

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

JACKSONVILLE, FL–According to a report in Monday's Jacksonville Times-Union, former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula has turned 43.... more»
Area Units Really Moving

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units... more»
Local Gym Teacher Loves Forcing Children To Dance

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

HUTCHINSON, KS–Coach Milt Brundage, physical-education teacher at Hutchinson Middle School, derives pleasure from forcing pre-adolescents to dance... more»
Starr Taunts Clinton With Humiliating 'Sittin' In A Tree' Song

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–In his latest salvo against the president, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr publicly taunted Bill Clinton Tuesday with the... more»
Local Couple Celebrates Birth Of Son With Ritual Genital Mutilation

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | News In Photos
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Commentary

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these... more»
Matt Damon Is Good Will Dating!

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Columnists

Item! Actor Matt Damon has a new beau! (Or is it belle? I never was very good at French.) The hunky Hollywood star has been spotted... more»
Assassins! Assassins Every-Where!

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Columnists

Standish! Standish! Make sure the Swiss Guard are on full alert tonight, with reinforcements! I received another death threat in to-day's mails! more»
Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Horoscopes

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week.... more»
iMac Mania

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Infographic

With 350,000 sold in just three months on the market, the Apple iMac is the most successful personal-computer launch in history. What is its appeal? more»
How Often Do We Kill?

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Statshot
Hollywood Eating Disorders

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | What Do You Think?

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do... more»
Halloween Safety Tips

issue 3413 | 10.28.98 | Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe"... more»