Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 4, 1998 - November 10, 1998 | Issue 34•14

Selling Equals Winning, Ex-Athlete Tells Direct-Mail Merchandisers

HARRISBURG, PA–Selling equals winning, former Los Angeles Rams fullback Ron Pitts told direct-mail merchandisers Tuesday during a sales seminar at the Harrisburg Marriott. "To reach the end zone in the game of direct-mail marketing, you need a winning game plan," Pitts told the crowd of 250 direct-mail merchandisers, each of whom paid $310 to attend the two-day...

Bounty Officials Approve Third Ply

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News

CINCINNATI—Bounty unveiled its breakthrough advanced spill-containment system with their new three-ply paper towel. more»
Study: U.S. Pets' Healthcare Better Than Rwandan Humans'

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News

PHILADELPHIA—America has 15 veterinarians per 1,000 dogs, compared to Rwanda's one doctor per 1,000 humans. more»
Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News

SMYRNA, GA–Citing his body's need for a brief rest period, as well as a desire to preserve some sense of personal dignity, Smyrna resident Gregg... more»
Concerned Parents Demand Removal Of Arsenic From Periodic Table Of Elements

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Citing the threat posed to their children's safety, a Grand Rapids-area parents group is calling for the removal of arsenic from... more»
Hate-Crime Bill Stalled By Pro-Hate Lobby

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Congressional passage of a landmark hate-crime bill is being delayed by the nation's powerful pro-hate lobby, it was reported... more»
Area Man Reduced To This

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Brief

CORBIN, KY–Local food-service worker Earl Baxter was reduced to this Tuesday, when a Hardee's customer lost a metal bracelet in the restaurant's... more»
Young Girl Provides Home For Stray Bullet

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Brief

CHICAGO–Eight-year-old Ashley Jennings, described as "the sweetest little girl in the whole world," provided a warm, comfortable home for a stray... more»
Land Before Time VI Released Straight To Landfill

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In a gala Hollywood burial, The Land Before Time VI: The Secret Of Saurus Rock, the latest installment in Universal Pictures'... more»
Georgia Adds Swastika, Middle Finger To State Flag

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | News In Photos
We Must Repaint Our Nation's Crumbling Infrastructure

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Commentary

As we hurtle toward the next millennium, we should take a moment to pause and judiciously examine the state of our country. The years ahead will no... more»
A Tale Of Inspiration

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Columnists

My stock-broker Hargreaves recently told me upon the voice-telegraphical device that there is great anxiety around the Republic because of financial... more»
I Been Thinking Political Lately

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Columnists

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of shit going down. You know how it goes. Same old, same... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1998

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Horoscopes

Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals... more»
The '70's Shows

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Infographic

From Love Boat to Fantasy Island, the Me Decade is back with a vengeance. Why are so many '70s shows returning to TV? more»
Least-Qualified U.S. Parents

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Statshot
Glenn's Return To Space

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | What Do You Think?

Last Thursday, 36 years after becoming the first American in orbit, 77-year-old John Glenn made a triumphant return to space aboard the Space Shuttle... more»
Talking To Your Kids About Drugs

issue 3414 | 11.04.98 | Tips

These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it's vital that you reach your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana... more»