Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 11, 1998 - November 17, 1998 | Issue 34•15

Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years

SAN DIEGO–Michelle Haltigan, a highly successful advertising executive known throughout the San Diego area for her striking physical attributes, will continue to get by on looks for six more years, it was reported Monday. Sources report that the 23-year-old Huntington Beach native will be able to coast effortlessly until late 2004, when her appearance will no longer...

Midwest Peace Talks Shattered By Illinois Toll-Booth Bombing

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News

BELVIDERE, IL—Hopes for a Midwest peace accord were set back to the time of the Kankakee flea market bomb. more»
Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News

EVERETT, WA—In an attack denounced by teachers as "uncalled-for," Donny Dungarees was struck down with a barrage of crayons. more»
Report: Many Rappers May Suffer From Unrealistically High Self-Images

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an American Psychological Association report released Tuesday, a large percentage of U.S. rappers may suffer from... more»
Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio held steady at 1:770 in the third fiscal quarter of 1998, the U.S. Department... more»
'Aryan Notions' Opens Sixth Berlin Location

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Brief

BERLIN–Promising shoppers "a glorious thousand-year reign of quality sewing supplies and accessories at low, low prices," Aryan Notions opened its... more»
Poll: 80 Percent Of Americans In Favor Of Storming Castle, Destroying Inhuman Monster

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday, four in five Americans favor assembling a torch-wielding mob... more»
Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as... more»
Hero Publicist Honored

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For "heroism in publicizing beyond all hope," Hollywood publicist Derek DeBoer was honored Monday for his work promoting the... more»
Glorious Heyday Of Youth Spent In Parking Lot

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Brief

AMARILLO, TX–Celebrating the bountiful gift of youth and the endless promise it holds, local 16-year-olds Stephanie Reardon, Doug Shiner and Toby... more»
Pro Governing: Is It Faked?

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Photos
Personnel Director Really Enjoyed Meeting You

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | News In Photos
Human-Resources Bitches Be Makin' Me Take Vacation Days

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | Columnists

Heads up, G's, 'cuz tha H-Dog is in tha house, keepin' it real at Midstate Office Supply, tha largest wholesale dealer of office supplies and... more»
The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | Columnists

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1998

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | Horoscopes

You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that. more»
Not So Beloved

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | Infographic

Massively hyped and critically acclaimed by Oprah Winfrey's Beloved is nevertheless bombing at the box office. Why? more»
Top-Ranked U.S. Technical Colleges

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | Statshot
Beer Ads Targeting Kids

issue 3415 | 11.11.98 | What Do You Think?

Anheuser-Busch is under fire from parents groups, who claim that Budweiser TV commercials featuring animated frogs, lizards and other animals are... more»