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November 18, 1998 - November 24, 1998 | Issue 34•16

Marxist Student Has Capitalist Parents

LAWRENCE, KS–Chad Briggs, a radical Marxist and University of Kansas junior, has capitalist parents, campus sources reported Monday. "The proletariat will rise up, and the state will wither away, " said Briggs, 20, who grew up in the bourgeois suburban enclave of Deerfield, IL, before renouncing his exploitative capitalist ties during the first semester of his...

New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American Swallowing

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans. more»
Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA–Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Mogadishu Monday, beginning a four-day diplomatic visit to the totally... more»
Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News

BROOKLYN, NY—Law-enforcement officials leapt into action Tuesday, when it became clear that a Saab Turbo convertible was in peril. more»
Sales Manager Gets A Little Crazy At Office Party

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News

SUNNYVALE, CA–Allen Wohl, a 33-year-old associate sales manager at M&H Marketing, got a little crazy at Tuesday's annual office holiday party, held... more»
Life Much Better Thanks To Recent Elections

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–Life in the U.S. has significantly improved as a result of the Sept. 3 elections, according to a Georgetown University report... more»
Express-Lane Cashier Confirms Her Nails Are Real

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

MONROE, MI–Farmer Jack cashier Brenda Herman confirmed the authenticity of her fingernails Tuesday, telling customer Courtney Klapisch that... more»
15,000 Brown People Dead Somewhere

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVER–Relief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks... more»
Blotting Of Ken Olin From Human Memory Delayed Several Years

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES–The complete erasure of actor Ken Olin from human memory has been forestalled at least a year due to his role on CBS's L.A.... more»
NYC Conservationists Decry Destruction Of Rat Habitats

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Calling recent urban renewal efforts "a grave threat to the city's fragile rat population," a group of New York City conservationists... more»
Child Baffled By Stationary, Non-Violent Images

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Brief

NEWTON, MA–Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a... more»
Suborbital Ballistic-Propulsion Engineer Not Exactly A Rocket Scientist

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Photos
Man Prone To Lying Beds Woman Prone To Lying Prone

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | News In Photos
I Don't Have The Adequate Household Cleansing Supplies For This Tough Job

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | Commentary

Boy, what an afternoon I had last Friday! My arms full of groceries, I had just opened the front door of my attractively furnished suburban home when... more»
Thanks-giving Day Tidings

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | Columnists

Every Thanks-giving Day, the Zweibel clan gathers at the estate to enjoy a magnificent feast of turkey-fowl, listen to the footballing matches upon... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 18, 1998

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | Horoscopes

After accidentally stumbling upon the long-lost plans of diabolical mad scientist Dr. Henley, you will become obsessed with the idea of building the... more»
10-10 Mania

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | Infographic

Turn on the TV, and you're likely to see an ad for 10-10-321 or a similar long-distance phone service. Why are there suddenly so many of them? more»
What Are Our Hobbies?

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | Statshot
End Of The Gingrich Era

issue 3416 | 11.18.98 | What Do You Think?

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House.... more»