Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 25, 1998 - December 1, 1998 | Issue 34•17

Guy On Couch A Friend From Out Of Town, Roommate Reports

BURLINGTON, VT–The deal with that guy on the living-room couch was finally revealed Sunday, when University of Vermont junior Chris Bogen, 20, informed roommate Derek Thatcher, 19, that the dude was a friend from out of town. At approximately 2 p.m., Bogen, who had slept way late after a night of hard partying, woke up and identified the individual on the couch as...

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News

HUNTSVILLE, AL–Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the... more»
Auto Workers Strike For More Acrylic Novelty Baseball Caps

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News

DETROIT—The old worn-out caps barely communicate the fact that if it has tits or wheels, it'll give you trouble. more»
Report: Hostess May Have Marketed Unhealthy 'Twinkies' To Minors

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a controversial Federal Trade Commission report released Tuesday, food manufacturer Hostess may have intentionally... more»
'Hot 'N' Nasty Butt Cum Chixx' To Appear As 'Creative Concepts' On Credit-Card Bill

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Brief

PLANO, TX–A phone call to the 1-900 service "Hot 'N' Nasty Butt-Cum Chixx" will be discreetly referred to as "Creative Concepts" when it appears on... more»
Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Brief

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers... more»
Billy Ray Cyrus To Speak Out On Single-Payer Health-Care Issue On Politically Incorrect

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In the program's most hotly anticipated pronouncement since comedian Elayne Boosler's historic school-voucher address, country-music... more»
Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest... more»
Parents Also Proud Of Unsuccessful Child

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Brief

VIENNA, VA–John and Helen Blauvelt, proud parents of recent Duke Medical School graduate Diane Blauvelt, told their other, unsuccessful child... more»
Cool 'Cybergranny' Needs Machines To Help Her Live

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Photos
Magnificent Sunset Loses Out To Home Improvement, Judge Judy Hour

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | News In Photos
My Mom Is Totally My Best Friend

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Commentary

I swear, my mom is the coolest. She's totally my best friend. If I'm stressed out about something, I can just call her, and she'll be like,... more»
The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Columnists

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic.... more»
I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Columnists

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 25, 1998

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Horoscopes

Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens. more»
Waterboy Mania

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Infographic

Grossing over $80 million in its first two weeks, Adam Sandler's The Waterboy is a bonafide sensation. Why are people flocking to it? more»
Worst Ventilated U.S. Bathrooms

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | Statshot
College Binge Drinking

issue 3417 | 11.25.98 | What Do You Think?

A recent American Medical Association study found that binge drinking is on the rise on college campuses, as are alcohol-related deaths. What do... more»