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December 9, 1998 - December 15, 1998 | Issue 34•19

Area Man Gets New Phone, Cardboard Box, Bubble Wrap, Polystyrene Blocks, Plastic Bag, Twist Ties

LEESBURG, FL–Local consumer Jerome Bishop returned home from Radio Shack Tuesday with a newly purchased telephone, two polystyrene foam blocks, a protective plastic pouch, a heavy-duty corrugated cardboard box, three square feet of bubble wrap and twist ties. "The redial button on my old phone only worked if you pressed it really hard, so I had to throw it out," said...

Report: Swelling Hippie Herds Pose Threat To Delicate Freakosystem

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–The indigenous North American hippie population has expanded to the point that its teeming herds are endangering the planet's... more»
God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—Timmy Yu’s dream came true Monday, when the Lord responded to his plea with a resounding no. more»
Office Pariah Not Invited To Chi-Chi's Happy-Hour Get-Together

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News

FAIRFAX, VA–Bob Veblen, data technician and longtime office pariah at Integrated Systems Management, was deliberately excluded last Friday from a... more»
Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

BANGOR, ME–Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during... more»
FDA Declares Munchos To Be Good Source Of Disodium Guanylate

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC–In a report released Monday, the FDA officially recommended Munchos potato crisps as a good source of disodium guanylate. "Consumers... more»
Evil Hong Kong Kung-Fu Legions Petition For Right To Attack Two At A Time

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

VICTORIA, HONG KONG–The Red Dragon Legion, a union representing Hong Kong's 22 largest evil kung-fu goon squads, formally petitioned the Hong Kong... more»
Area Man Thinks Girlfriend's Sister Might Be A Little Cuter

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

CANTON, OH–Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. "Sheri's got a... more»
Court Takes Custody Of Harley From Unfit Motorcycle Mama

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

TAMPA, FL–Sheila Mimms lost custody of her 1996 Harley-Davidson FXDL Dyna Low Rider Monday, when a court ruled that the 38-year-old waitress is an... more»
Robin Williams Inflicted On Holiday Moviegoers For Eighth Straight Year

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For the eighth consecutive year, holiday moviegoers will be subjected to actor Robin Williams, whose Patch Adams hits theaters... more»
The Media: Are They Media-Obsessed?

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Photos
New Stapler Makes All Other Staplers Look Like Worthless Shit

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | News In Photos
I Am Sending The Wrong Message To Our Nation's Children

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Commentary

To grow up right in this society, children need role models they can look up to. They need adults who, by the way they act, set good examples for how... more»
That Enema Just About Killed Me

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Columnists

Readers will excuse the haste with which to-day's Message has been composed, as it was submitted scant minutes before dead-line. Not out of personal... more»
I Ain't Never Having A Roommate Again

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's the good word? Me, I'm down in the trenches trying to shovel myself out, only it feels like every shovelful I take is replaced... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1998

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Horoscopes

You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy. more»
Furby Fever

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Infographic

The "Furby," a high-tech, interative stuffed toy, is all the rage this Christmas season. What is its appeal? more»
What Did America Think Of Last Week's Frasier?

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | Statshot
Prosecuting Pinochet

issue 3419 | 12.09.98 | What Do You Think?

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile.... more»