Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 16, 1998 - December 22, 1998 | Issue 34•20

Man In Chair Pauses To Consider Reclining Options

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Determined to "get good and comfortable" in his new La-Z-Boy "Dynamo" Reclina-Rocker after a big meatloaf dinner, area resident Gil Siebert paused Tuesday to consider his reclining options. "I could sit upright," said the 48-year-old accountant, his hand hovering near the three-position wooden handle on the right side of the chair. "Or, I could lean...

Collectible-Plate Industry Calls For Tragic Death Of Streisand

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News

NEW YORK—Seeking a much-needed boost in sales, the collectible-plate industry said Barbra Streisand's demise would be ideal. more»
Animal-Rights Activists Release 71,000 Cows Into Wild

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News

PRAIRIE DU CHIEN, WI—The radical Animal Liberation Front freed thousands of cows from their human captors Monday. more»
Area Bedroom Has That Weird Jeff Smell, Housemates Report

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News

PHOENIX—The bedroom of Jeffrey Worthen has that weird sort of Jeff smell, housemates of the 22-year-old Rio Salado Community College art student... more»
Gus Van Sant Prepares Shot-For-Shot Teen Wolf Remake

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Promising a "stunning re-creation of an American film classic," director Gus Van Sant announced Monday he will execute a... more»
Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays,... more»
Pregnant Woman Killed In Propecia-Handling Incident

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Investigators are citing "broken Propecia tablet-handling" as the cause of Monday's death of San Antonio resident Nancy Ivey.... more»
14-Year-Old Collapses Under Weight Of Corporate Logos

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, IL—A local teenager was in stable condition Monday after nearly being crushed to death by the 263 corporate logos he recklessly wore... more»
Desperate Wheel Of Fortune Receives Approval To Use Swear Words

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—Desperate for new phrases, Sony Pictures' Wheel Of Fortune received special permission from the FCC Monday to use word puzzles... more»
Your Kids: Are They Sexy Enough?

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Photos
Cardboard Snowflake Half-Heartedly Masking-Taped To Break-Room Door

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Photos
No, You're Thinking Of David Doyle

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Commentary

Look, I'm only going to say this one more time. I did not play Bosley on Charlie's Angels. The character's name was Bosley, but he was played... more»
It Is Not A Wonderful Life

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Columnists

Another miserable year on this dismal rock has come and gone. As for myself, this was one of the worst years I've ever experienced. It was right up... more»
The Times That Try Jean's Soul

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Columnists

Well, gang, I wish I could say that this Christmas will be the best one ever, but, judging from what's happened so far this December, I'm about ready... more»
I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Point-Counterpoint

Oh, my God, I am so starving. I swear, if I don't get something to eat in like two minutes, I am going to die. more»
Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Horoscopes

Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th. more»
Top-Selling Books–1998

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Infographic

Top-Selling Books–1998 more»
Worst-Selling Holiday Toys

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Statshot
Checks For Gun Buyers

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | What Do You Think?

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day... more»
Checks For Gun Buyers

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | What Do You Think?

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day... more»