Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 13, 1999 - January 19, 1999 | Issue 35•01

Pantene Introduces New Behavioral Conditioner

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of Pantene® Pro-V® shower and hair-care products, unveiled its new line of behavioral conditioners Monday. The new conditioners, which company spokespersons say will "wash and condition your brain, regulating social behaviors for a glamorous, brand-new you," are being touted as the strongest, longest-lasting...

Freshman Senator Dies In Hazing Incident

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The future of the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration is in question following Tuesday's death of a freshman senator in... more»
First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal officials unveiled the newly updated Bill Of Rights 2.0 at last weekend's Govworld Expo '99. The enhanced version of the... more»
Area Man Way Too Into Local County History

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News

LEWANAHO COUNTY, WI—Area resident Gary Pavlik's obsession with Lewanaho County history is becoming a bit sad, sources reported. more»
Important Piece Of Paper Tragically Smudged With Breadstick Grease

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—An important piece of paper was tragically and irreversibly smudged Monday, when Los Angeles marketing executive Nelson Whittier... more»
Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Monday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted... more»
Herbie Goes Bananas

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Brief

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Herbie, the media-dubbed "Love Bug," became entangled Monday in a series of madcap South American misadventures which... more»
All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Brief

DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves... more»
Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks Out 10 Billionth Way To Bring Out The Animal In Your Man

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Cosmopolitan writer Melissa Rutherford achieved a journalistic milestone Tuesday, when she cranked out the magazine's 10 billionth article... more»
On-The-Job Sexual Harassment: Three Women Tell Their Sizzling Hot Tales

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Photos
Jewel Organizes 'Save The Unicorns' Benefit

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | News In Photos
I've Wanted To Be A Sales Rep Ever Since I Was 34

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Commentary

I'll bet a lot of people out there are wondering how someone like me got to where I am today. How did an average guy who never had a lot of formal... more»
Still Alive

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Columnists

Yes, I'm still alive, you bastards. I see all of you camped around the Zweibel estate, waiting to loot the mansion the moment I give up the ghost.... more»
It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Columnists

Happy 1999 everybody! more»
Horoscope for the week of January 13, 1999

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Horoscopes

You will discover this week that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your ancient ancestors by discovering a use for every single part of the burrito. more»
Boy-Group Mania

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Infographic

From Backstreet Boys to 'N Sync to Boyzone, boy groups rules the pop charts these days. Why are they so popular? more»
Slowest U.S. Checkout Clerks

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | Statshot
A Woman In The White House?

issue 3501 | 01.13.99 | What Do You Think?

Elizabeth Dole's recent decision to leave the Red Cross is regarded by many as a sign that she will run for president in 2000. What do you... more»