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January 20, 1999 - January 26, 1999 | Issue 35•02

Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption

MINNEAPOLIS—Count Vladimir Elysius von Chocula, the 400-year-old undead Rumanian nobleman who sustains his existence by feeding on the blood of the living, held a press conference at General Mills headquarters Monday to restate his long-standing advocacy of the pre-sweetened breakfast cereal that bears his name. "Bluh! I am Count Chocula!" the walking cadaver told...

Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Dubbing the mission Operation Great Job!, President Clinton deployed very special U.S. troops to Iraq Tuesday. more»
Transgendered Sea Anemone Denounced As 'Abomination' By Clergy

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News

HUNTSVILLE, AL—The filthy anemone exhibits both male and female characteristics, and is turning our oceans into dens of sin and perversion. more»
SWM May Have Lied About Liking Sunsets, Long Walks

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News

NEW LONDON, CT—Police are urging all women to be on the lookout for fit SWMs who claim to enjoy new adventures. more»
Long-Awaited Baby Boomer Die-Off To Begin Soon, Experts Say

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades of waiting, the much-anticipated mass Baby Boomer die-off should finally commence within the next five to ten years,... more»
Newest Baywatch Cast Member Kicks It With Byron Allen

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Debi Tyler, the latest beach beauty to join the cast of TV's Baywatch, kicked it with Byron Allen Saturday on Allen's syndicated... more»
Lone Geek Sits Off By Self Reading The Silmarillion Throughout Recess

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Brief

BANGOR, ME—For the 17th consecutive recess period, unathletic pariah Jake Muncie sat off by himself Monday and read The Silmarillion,... more»
Yeah, Area Man Is Drunk... So?

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Brief

MENDHAM, NJ—What are residents of this normally quiet suburban enclave looking at? Are they looking at 34-year-old resident Darren Pollard? Is that... more»
Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Brief

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when... more»
Man At Adjacent Urinal Pretends To Look Straight Ahead

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Brief

CHEHALIS, WA—Curious about his fellow urinator's penis, restaurant patron Dennis Munro rolled his eyeballs far to the left Monday in the hope of... more»
The American Dream: What Does That Part About Kissing The Gym Teacher Mean?

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Photos
Police Homicide Investigation Uncovers Cap In Ass

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | News In Photos
The President Should Do The Right Thing And Commit Ritual Hari-Kiri

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Commentary

In the years since my death in 1989, I have observed many political upheavals in the Realm of the Living. Yet, in all this time, I have never seen... more»
I Hate My Next-Door Neighbors

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Columnists

Not long ago, I was the master of all I surveyed. As I gazed down from my mountain-top estate, I was confident in the knowledge that the fate of the... more»
Satisfaction Guaranteed

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Columnists

Baby, there is one piece of information in particular that you need to know: With Smoove B, satisfaction is guaranteed. more»
Horoscope for the week of January 20, 1999

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Horoscopes

You begin to feel unwelcome by those around you when your State Tourism Board starts telling prospective vacationers that you’re dead. more»
Hipping Up The Grammys

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Infographic

Long-criticized as stodgy and out of touch, Grammy organizers are attempting to update the awards' image this year. What steps have they taken? more»
Why Are We Divorcing?

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | Statshot

Top reasons cited for divorce in U.S.: more»
The Global-Warming Crisis

issue 3502 | 01.20.99 | What Do You Think?

According to the National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration, the average 1998 worldwide temperature was 58.5 degrees, making it the warmest year... more»