Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 27, 1999 - February 2, 1999 | Issue 35•03

Teenage Boys Helpfully Point Out Fat Girl's Shortcomings

WATERBURY, CT—Officials at Staunton Junior High School in Waterbury are praising three male students for taking the time Monday to point out the physical shortcomings of a female classmate. Shortly before 9 a.m. homeroom, eighth-graders Jonathan Kurtz, Robby Simonson and Mitch Elliott freely offered classmate Shelley Griese, 13, an in-depth critique of her many...

Violence: Is It The Answer?

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News

NEW YORK—More and more Americans are turning to violence as a viable means of conflict resolution. more»
New Sony In-Utero TV To Entertain Children In The Womb

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—The entertainment industry is abuzz following the Sony Corporation's unveiling Monday of the Utertron 9000, a state-of-the-art... more»
Man Required To Wear Tie Decides It Might As Well Be Wacky

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Customer-service representative Terry Poniewicz now has a collection of zany neckwear, including a tie that plays "Jingle Bells." more»
Waitress Creeped Out By Overtipper

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Brief

UTICA, NY—A $7 tip for a $1.59 breakfast special creeped out Ed's Diner waitress Juliet Drake Monday, leaving her feeling uneasy about the... more»
Laughter Now Exclusively Used To Mask Feelings

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Tuesday by the National Institute of Emotional Studies, laughter, long employed as a cathartic... more»
Previous Tenant Clearly Not Bothered By Mildew

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Brief

YPSILANTI, MI—According to new tenant Patricia Croland, the previous occupant of Apt. 12C at 208 Hill Street was clearly not the least bit bothered... more»
Junior-High-School Badminton Unit Inspires 948 'Shuttlecock' Jokes

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Brief

REDDING, CA—A junior-high gym-class badminton unit resulted in 948 "shuttlecock"-based double entendres Monday, shattering the previous mark of... more»
Aztec Extremists Cut Out Visiting Pope's Heart

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Brief

MEXICO CITY—Exacting retribution for Catholic explorer Hernando Cortez's destruction of their civilization, Aztec extremists cut out visiting Pope... more»
Politicians Ignoring The Dangers Of Jowl Implants

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Photos
Nutter Butters 'Ruined Forever' For Nutter Butter Factory Worker

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | News In Photos
The Hendersons' Towels, Frankly, Are Not That Impressive

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Commentary

I was peeking out my bedroom window at the brand-new Lexus LS 400 in the Hendersons' driveway when my husband Gary walked in and announced that we... more»
Hold Me

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Columnists

Many of you have written The Onion to specifically inquire about the state of my health. Actually, no-one has. You heart-less bastards! May... more»
I've Had Just About Enough Of That Ron

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What do ya know? Me, I've been laid lower than a centipede's dick lately. You see, for about two weeks now, I've had this cold that I... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 27, 1999

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Horoscopes

Congress will approve the creation of a 51st state, Assholia, for the sole purpose of naming you the state bird. more»
The New Playstation

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Infographic

Later this year, Sony will unviel its Playstation 2, the much-anticipated follow-up to its popular home videogame system. What are some of the new... more»
Super Bowl Ad Spending

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | Statshot

What are the big ads slated for Super Sunday? more»
Pre-Millennium Tension

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | What Do You Think?

With less than a year to go before the dawn of a new millennium, doomsayers are predicting everything from a global computer collapse to Armageddon.... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3503 | 01.27.99 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK CBS Blowing Gabriel's Horn Bill Cosby Makes The Darndest Faces 60 Minutes 3-D Osteoporosis, She Wrote NBC Assholes On Couches Ad Men Living The Ad Life Smug Urbanites In Love Just Us Who The Hell Greenlighted This? ABC The Something Fell On Tim Allen's Foot Show Grace Under Ellen The Guy With A Roll Of Fat On The Back Of His Head America's Funniest Home Nutsack-Whompings Two Guys, A Girl And A Lot Of Commercials For Sport-Utility Vehicles Fox Secrets Of TV's Cheapest Ratings Ploys... Revealed! Guinness Book Of Unspeakable Deformities When Ratings Plummet I Know What You Did In Between Movie Projects UPN Kunta Kinte's Antebellum Laugh Riot Jamaal & The Honkies Shitload Of Wayanses That Ain't What I Axed You! Everbody Love Shamiqua America's Funniest Home Nutsack-Whompings PBS Pledge Drive Nature Pledge Drive Pledge Drive Preview No-va Pledge Drive CharlieRose The Best Of Pledge Drive '97 CABLE USA Rhonda's Nudity-Free Nudity-Show Law-School Cheerleader Gilbert Gottfriend's "Just Gimme The Goddamn Check, Will You?" On Again In Four Hours Chick Patrol MTV Real World Special Report: Is Everybody Totally Ganging Up On Stephanie? The Emotionally Unstable Twentysometings' Road Trip The Best Of Clearasil Ads Music Videos: What Were They? ComedyCentral Outwit The Money-Hoarding Jew ¡Muerto Variety! SNL: The Gary Kroeger Years The Fart Poop Sucks Ass Carton Show Johnny Dangerously (1984) Lifetime He Used To Beat Me, But Now He's Dead It's Okay To Be Frigid Emotional Manipulation Hour The Woman Who Felt A Lump In Her Breast I Put My Whole Life Into This House TNN Calling All Hogs Feet Pickin'! (repeat) Unstuck Your Truck! Plowin' With Ty Impeachment: Yep Or Naw? This Week In Bait PublicAccess Can You Hear Me Now? How About Now? Some Deadheads I Met Sorry About The Sound Hideous Trolls With Acoustic Guitars The Blowing Into The Mic Report