Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 3, 1999 - February 9, 1999 | Issue 35•04

Spencer Man May Not Actually Make The Difference At Spencer State Bank

SPENCER, WI—Contrary to claims made on the financial institution's complimentary pens, key chains and insulated can coolers, local resident George Pilarcik may not actually make the difference at Spencer State Bank, it was reported Monday. "It said right on the free calendar, 'At Spencer State Bank, You Make The Difference!'" said Pilarcik, a 46-year-old...

Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky... more»
Study: Sniffing Glue Proven Effective In Treatment Of Adolescent Boredom

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News

BOSTON—A groundbreaking study released Monday by the American Medical Association, conducted in conjunction with the National Organization of Craft... more»
Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News

NEW YORK—Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof, the roof, the roof of The Tunnel caught fire, collapsing and... more»
Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—A flight-routing error at Hartsfield International Airport delayed the departure of Delta Airlines Flight 387 nearly 40 minutes, leaving... more»
Daddy Hitting Mommy Again

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Brief

MURFREESBORO, TN—In the fourth such reprisal for bad behavior this week, Daddy is hitting Mommy again, under-the-bed sources reported Tuesday. The... more»
Bernadette Peters Comes Up Twice In One Day

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—In an incident observers are calling "kinda weird," mid-level celebrity Bernadette Peters' name came up twice Monday in separate... more»
Area Man May Never Find Out If Condom In Wallet Is Still Good

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE—Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it... more»
Russia's Power Shut Off

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Brief

MOSCOW—Russia came one step closer to eviction Monday when the beleaguered nation's electricity was shut off due to nonpayment. "Russia has been on... more»
War-Torn, Blood-Soaked Kosovo: Would Bombing It Help?

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Photos
Data Technician By Day A Data Technician By Night

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | News In Photos
Like Hell We're All In This Together

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Commentary

I've been hearing a lot of loose talk lately about how, as long as we're all stuck in this life together, we should work together to get through it.... more»
Hubby Rick... Ya Gotta Love Him!

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Columnists

First off, I'd like to thank all those Jeanketeers out there who've written to express their condolences for the passing of my dear kitty, Arthur.... more»
What Our Republic Needs Is A Merry Jig

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Columnists

Booooooooo! 'Tis I, Herman Ulysses Zweibel, long-dead founder of The Onion, or, as it was more eloquently known in my day, The... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Horoscopes

In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels. more»
Reviving The NBA

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Infographic

Reviving The NBA more»
Who is our favorite Commedia dell'Arte character?

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | Statshot

Who is our favorite Commedia dell'Arte character? more»
The Medicare Crisis

issue 3504 | 02.03.99 | What Do You Think?

Medicare, which provides health insurance to 40 million elderly Americans, is projected to go bankrupt by 2008. What do you think about this... more»