Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 10, 1999 - February 16, 1999 | Issue 35•05

Price-Gun-Wielding Maniac Riddles Supermarket With Savings

MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shock, dismay and fabulous money-saving opportunities were just part of the aftermath of a tragic mass-discounting Monday, when a price-gun-wielding maniac opened fire on the canned-goods aisle of a local supermarket. Though shot and seriously injured by in-store security personnel while escaping, the unidentified man, who police and grocery...

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News

ROCKVILLE, MD—In a historic show of wad solidarity, delegates representing gaywads and dorkwads signed the first-ever Wad Alliance Treaty... more»
Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News

LUANDA, ANGOLA—A 40-pound anti-personnel land mine declared itself president for life. more»
Aging Pope 'Just Blessing Everything In Sight,' Say Concerned Handlers

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News

VATICAN CITY—Concerned handlers for Pope John Paul II announced Monday that, in recent weeks, the 78-year-old Catholic leader has "just been... more»
Ex-Girlfriend Wins Custody Of Shared Friends

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News

TEMPE, AZ—In a decision that further depressed an already down Justin Garre, Stephanie Kasich won custody Monday of all shared friends resulting... more»
Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I... more»
Area Man Has No Idea What He Went Downstairs For

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

METUCHEN, NJ—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Ken Bley, 41, announced he had no clue what he went downstairs for. "I don't think it was... more»
2-D Doritos Sales Lagging

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

DALLAS—In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos.... more»
Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G... more»
Child Bored With Christmas Puppy

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

HAMILTON, OH—Household sources reported Monday that Joshua Hunt, 10, has lost interest in Raggles, the 4-month-old Cocker Spaniel he received on... more»
World Shocked By Possible Link Between Olympics, Big Money

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Brief

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—As the Olympic bribery scandal widens, a stunned world is expressing disbelief over the notion that the Olympics have been... more»
Child Abuse: How Much Is Too Much?

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Photos
Pier 1 Issues Formal Apology For Rattan Death March

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | News In Photos
Observing The Electrical Motion-Image Box

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | Columnists

Late Monday evening, my vision greatly improved thanks to Doc McGillicuddy's lancing of my cataracts, I decided I wanted some visual amusement. I... more»
Cuba Gooding Turned Me On To Pepsi One!

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | Columnists

Item! Who's that fresh-faced pitchman enthusiastically extolling the virtues of Pepsi One? Why, it's none other than Oscar-winner Cuba... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | Horoscopes

Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap. more»
TV Newsmagazine Explosion

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | Infographic

From 20/20 to Dateline NBC to 60 Minutes II, the prime-time airwaves are flooded with newsmagazines these days. Why are they so... more»
Most Popular U.S. Baby Names

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | Statshot

Most Popular U.S. Baby Names more»
Hand-Transplant Surgery

issue 3505 | 02.10.99 | What Do You Think?

On Jan. 25, a 37-year-old New Jersey man became the first person ever to receive a hand transplant in the U.S. What do you think about this... more»