Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 17, 1999 - February 23, 1999 | Issue 35•06

13-Year-Old Girl Can't Believe How Immature Everyone Is

ORLANDO, FL—Disgusted with the total childishness of those around her, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe announced Monday that she can't believe how immature everyone is. "Everyone in the world is, like, so immature," said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group of boys playing dodgeball during lunch recess. "I mean, when are people going to grow up? We're in eighth grade now, but...

Corporate-Welfare Recipients: Are They Eating Steak And Driving Cadillacs?

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News

Today is a typical day for 51-year-old J. Gordon Grantham III, as he drives his luxury-model Cadillac to a favorite restaurant to meet with... more»
Greenspan, Entourage Demolish Hotel Room

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News

LOS ANGELES—Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan once again found himself in legal trouble Monday, when he and several members of his extensive... more»
Enormous Bra Found

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News

HERKIMER, NY—An enormous bra was found in the gutter near the corner of East Lester Street and Jefferson Avenue Monday. The owner of the bra is not... more»
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Prominence

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News

BEREA, KY—After a lifetime of anonymity, Charles Wayne Knox, a gun-wielding 33-year-old standing in the parking lot of a Berea Hardee's, is at long... more»
Three Boomers Feared Dead In Jenga Collapse

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

MARIETTA, GA—Three Baby Boomers are still missing following Friday's collapse of a massive Jenga tower in this Atlanta suburb. "[Woodstock... more»
Creative Asterisk Makes Reader Unaware Of Word 'Fuck'

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A profanity-laced quote from comedian Chris Rock in the latest issue of Newsweek was successfully bowdlerized, leaving subscriber... more»
Global-Warming Crisis Makes For Delightful Mid-February Afternoon

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

EDINA, MN—Impending global ecological disaster resulted in a delightful, balmy mid-February afternoon Monday. "Oooh, this is nice," said Edina... more»
God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious'

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

HEAVEN—Attempting to counter a decline in worldwide raspberry consumption, God announced Monday that starting March 1, the great taste of... more»
Area Man Settled For

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner... more»
Report: Vulgaria May Possess Flying-Car Technology

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—State Department officials are "deeply concerned" by a just-released report that Vulgarian despot Baron Bomburst has acquired Chitty... more»
Louie Anderson Now Available In Pasta Form

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Photos
Area Wildcat A Real Wildcat In The Sack

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | News In Photos
I Certainly Wouldn't Consider This Biotron Micronaut To Be In Near-Mint Condition

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Commentary

As a longtime collector of all things Micronaut, I have seen a great many things. From the ultra-rare C-10 chromium Antron figure to the complete... more»
Black Scarlet Returns!

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Columnists

Even though I ought to have been dead long ago, I must confess that I still love to sit in my counting-house, counting all my money. My riches alone... more»
Accountz Reeceevin' Ain't For No Candy-Ass Temps

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Columnists

Whassup, G's. Yo, check this shit out: Ever since I be testifyin' about how I be tha Stone-Cold Hardcore Mack Daddy of Midstate Office Supply, all... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Horoscopes

The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity. more»
The New Teen Age

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Infographic

From Varsity Blues to She's All That to Cruel Intentions, teen movies are dominating American multiplexes these days. Why are... more»
Most Hideous U.S. Drapes

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | Statshot
Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

issue 3506 | 02.17.99 | What Do You Think?

A recent People cover story about Chelsea Clinton prompted an angry response from President Clinton and the First Lady, who have shielded... more»