Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 24, 1999 - March 2, 1999 | Issue 35•07

New Yangtze Dam To Provide Enough Hydroelectricity To Shock 1.2 Billion Chinese Genitals

YICHANG, CHINA—Despite ongoing controversy, construction is proceeding as planned on the Three Gorges Dam, which, if all goes according to plan, will generate enough hydroelectric power to shock the genitalia of China's 1.2 billion citizens, Chinese officials said Monday. "With the successful completion of this most ambitious engineering project, China will finally...

Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News

On Jan. 26, just four days after visiting the doctor for what he thought was severe indigestion or maybe an ulcer, Russ Kunkel got the dreaded news:... more»
Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News

CUPERTINO, CA—Software analyst Brent Barlow, 27, was recently fired for "thinking too far outside the box." more»
Snacktime Made More Fun

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News

ORRVILLE, OH—The national pastime of eating delicious, reasonably priced snack-food items between meals was made more fun Monday, when the J.M.... more»
Signed 8x10 Of Tony Danza Draws Millions To Brooklyn Dry Cleaner

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—An estimated 12 million people from some 90 nations are descending en masse on Dimitri's Dry Cleaners on Flatbush Avenue to drop off... more»
Area Insurance Salesman Celebrates 14th Year Of Quoting Fletch

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Brief

VALLEJO, CA—At a gala luncheon featuring Bloody Marys, steak sandwiches and steak sandwiches, area insurance salesman Marty Cutler celebrated his... more»
Doctors No Closer To Cure For Old-Person Smell

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that after years of research and millions of dollars spent, no progress has been... more»
Bar Mitzvah Marks Local Boy's Passage Into Materialism

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Brief

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—Thirteen-year-old Joshua Nussbaum of Bloomfield Hills became a full-fledged consumer Saturday upon the event of his Bar... more»
Senator Brings Obscene Material To National Attention

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing "the need to shield decent Americans from depraved filth such as this," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) brought the website... more»
Illegal Activity Moved 32 Feet From Shore

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Photos
Churchgoing Widows: What Gets Them Hot?

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | News In Photos
I Don't Want To Call Any Special Attention To Myself

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Commentary

Some people are always trying to be the center of attention. They want everyone to look at them and listen to what they have to say, no matter how... more»
Run, Zweibel, Run!

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Columnists

Well, with my vast fortune stolen by the villainous high-way-man Black Scarlet, I must once again make my way in the world. The local constabulary... more»
Ask VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Advice

VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris Kristofferson is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask VH1 Behind The Music Host Kris... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Horoscopes

Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you. more»
Shakespeare On Fire

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Infographic

The subject of one of the year's biggest hits, Shakespeare has only begun to make his presence felt in 1999, with versions of Macbeth, Hamlet, A... more»
How Are We Disposing Of The Bodies?

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | Statshot

2500 Americans polled: more»
Senator Hillary?

issue 3507 | 02.24.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, Hillary Clinton said she would give "careful thought" to running for a U.S. Senate seat in New York. What do you think about the... more»