Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 3, 1999 - March 9, 1999 | Issue 35•08

Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale

ELGIN, IL—The recent implementation of new cardinal and maize uniforms as the mandatory dress code at GrocerKing Food Stores has not only made employees look better, but also greatly boosted worker morale, sources within the regional supermarket chain's extensive management hierarchy reported Monday. The decision to provide employees with the eye-catching, brightly...

Miracle Of Birth Occurs For 83 Billionth Time

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News

HOPE SPRINGS, AR—The holy and sacrosanct miracle of birth took place yet again Tuesday. more»
Secretary Of State Returns From 'Fucking Incredible' Diplomatic Trip To Ireland

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Madeline Albright returned Monday from a “totally amazing” diplomatic visit to Ireland. more»
Revlon Forced To Test Cosmetics On Plants

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News

NEW YORK—Bowing to pressure from PETA, the Revlon Corporation said all its products will be rigorously tested on flora. more»
Tortilla-Chip Supply Dwindling, Reports Man On Couch

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News

WATKINS GLEN, NY—In an announcement with dire implications for future munching, couch-based snacker Randall Boles confirmed Monday that his... more»
Granta Derided By Philistines

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews,... more»
Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible. "I was... more»
Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to... more»
Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House and the FBI have ordered Fox to cancel Friday's When Presidents Are Assassinated live television special.... more»
Porn Actress Very Nearly Appears To Enjoy Ejaculation In Face

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Detachment and boredom were very nearly concealed Monday when 1.5 ounces of semen were ejaculated into the face of adult-film star... more»
Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Brief

SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories' new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal... more»
New 10-10-911 Saves Emergency Victims Up To 30 Percent

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Photos
Lesbian Couple Enjoys Hot Lesbian Action

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | News In Photos
I Have Newfound Respect For Yasmine Bleeth After Reading This Month's Maxim

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Commentary

Though I've long been familiar with actress Yasmine Bleeth from her work on Baywatch, I've never been lucky enough to catch one of her rare... more»
Babes In The Woods

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Columnists

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Horoscopes

Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge. more»
Military-Recruiting Woes

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Infographic

The U.S. military is facing a major personnel crisis, with recruitment and retention rates plunging in all branches. What is the military doing to... more»
Most Popular Branson, MO, Tourist Attractions

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Statshot
Sweepstakes Under Fire

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | What Do You Think?

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House,... more»
How To Tell If You Were Adopted

issue 3508 | 03.03.99 | Tips

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actual parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were... more»