Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 17, 1999 - March 23, 1999 | Issue 35•10

Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—The Irish Republican Army announced Monday that it will embark on its most aggressive campaign of violence ever if McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are not made available year-round. "The Shamrock Shake is a frosty, minty symbol of all that we hold dear," said Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein, the IRA's political wing. "It is shameful that we as a...

Comb Technology: Why Is It So Far Behind The Razor And Toothbrush Fields?

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

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Bottom Of Barrel Dangerously Overscraped, Experts Warn

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The bottom of the collective national barrel, already badly strained from massive content depletion in recent years, is now in... more»
Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

CHARLESTON, SC—John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church,... more»
Area 5-Year-Old Has Tummy Cancer

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

CITRUS HEIGHTS, CA—Joshua Colquitt, a Citrus Heights-area 5-year-old, was diagnosed Monday with inoperable cancer of the tummy. more»
Reformist Ku Klux Klan Splinter Group Claims Blacks, Jews May Be Partially Human

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

BIRMINGHAM, AL—For nearly 150 years, the Ku Klux Klan has been steadfast in its commitment to the ideals of its founders. These traditional... more»
Omaha Man To Probably Stay In Omaha Another Year Or Two

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News

OMAHA, NE—Craig Gadbois, a 28-year-old Omaha-area carpet salesman, announced Tuesday that he plans to remain in Omaha for at least another year or... more»
Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

PEORIA, IL—The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of... more»
Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming... more»
Mourners Unable To Comprehend Last 20 Minutes Of Kubrick's Life

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

CHILDWICK GREEN, ENGLAND—Mourners at Stanley Kubrick's funeral expressed confusion Friday over the baffling, non-narrative final minutes of the... more»
GOP 'Ins' Alabama Representative

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In another high-profile inning, Republican leaders praised homosexual Rep. Tom Priegle (R-AL) as "a dedicated husband and father... more»
Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that 20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next... more»
Unemployed Businessman Has Time For Headache

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Brief

DEARBORN, MI—The power of Extra-Strength Excedrin© was not needed Monday, when laid-off marketing executive Phillip Garden suffered a splitting... more»
Irish-Americans Gear Up For 'The Reinforcin' O' The Stereotypes'

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Photos
House Of Blues Actually House Of Whites

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | News In Photos
Exiled!

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Columnists

Cast into the wilderness for nearly a month now, destitute, hungry and ragged, a man without a home or a name. Hated! Despised! Rejected! Exiled! more»
Springtime Is The Best Time For The Cruise

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Columnists

Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Anchower Town. First off, I blew a... more»
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men vs. American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Point-Counterpoint

I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Horoscopes

Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead. more»
The Great Gas Surplus

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Infographic

With supply plentiful, gasoline prices are currently at their lowest point in 20 years. How are U.S. consumers dealing with the surfeit of cheap gas? more»
Most Memorable Oscar Moments

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | Statshot
eBay Under Fire

issue 3510 | 03.17.99 | What Do You Think?

Last week, it was reported that eBay.com, the popular, minimally monitored Internet auction house, is being investigated by the federal government... more»