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March 24, 1999 - March 30, 1999 | Issue 35•11

Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole

HOLMDEL, NJ—No one needs to tell Suzanne Glauber that she's been blessed. She knows it. As the 33-year-old homemaker puts it, she's filled with an overwhelming sense of "spiritual wholeness" and "personal well-being" every time she looks at her 5-year-old son Dakota. "Dakota makes me feel so complete," said Glauber, gazing with deep affection and devotion at her...

Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The National Weather Service has issued a severe musty-odor advisory for a majority of the U.S., as a massive front of stale,... more»
New Study Finds College Binge Drinking To Be A Blast

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News

AMHERST, MA—Researchers at the University of Massachusetts released a surprising new study Monday indicating that, contrary to long-held beliefs... more»
Aspiring Actress' Vagina Photographed

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In what entertainment-industry insiders are calling "an exciting new development," the vagina of aspiring actress Sierra Nicole... more»
Sudan Passes Campaign-Finance Reform

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In what is being hailed as a major step toward making presidential contests more fair and equal, the Sudanese legislature approved... more»
Father Only Expresses Love Through Concern For Proper Tire Inflation

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Brief

ROCKY MOUNT, NC—Emotionally distant, undemonstrative father Earl Kolchak expressed his love for his 17-year-old daughter Jessica Tuesday the only... more»
Disney World Mascot Could Use A Fucking Vacation Himself

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Brief

ORLANDO, FL—Walt Disney World employee Ronald Smoller, costumed for the 10th straight hour and the 23rd straight day as Goofy, could use a fucking... more»
Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Brief

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway... more»
National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the... more»
Friends Star Spontaneously Shown Attending Televised NBC Sporting Event

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The NBC telecast of a Knicks-Pacers game yielded a surprise celebrity sighting Saturday, when Friends star Matt LeBlanc was spotted... more»
Brittle Jewess Does Not Like What George Clooney Is Wearing

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Photos
Highlighting In Used Copy Of Plato's Republic Stops On Page 17

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | News In Photos
Aren't There Any Crimes Punishable By Public Spanking?

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Commentary

Like most Americans, I was raised to believe two things: that I am a very, very bad boy, and that I must be properly punished for my transgressions.... more»
The Burger-King Grants Asylum

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Columnists

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful... more»
I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Columnists

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday!... more»
Ask A Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever Take That Away From Her

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Advice

Maggie Lancaster is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever Take That... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Horoscopes

At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic. more»
Tae-Bo Mania

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Infographic

Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo Workout is currently the top-selling video in the nation. Why is it so popular? more»
Worst-Selling Girl Scout Cookies

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | Statshot
A Nation Of Prisoners

issue 3511 | 03.24.99 | What Do You Think?

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon... more»