Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 31, 1999 - April 6, 1999 | Issue 35•12

Ice Broken At Area Sales Seminar

TAMPA, FL—Pharmex Industries CEO Jack Gorelick, keynote speaker at the "Commercializing New-Market Biopharmaceuticals" sales seminar, successfully broke the ice Saturday, setting a friendly, cordial tone for the two-day event with a string of quips during his opening address. Standing at the podium in Conference Room B of the Tampa Hyatt Regency West, Gorelick put...

U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News

The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid... more»
Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News

MASSILLON, OH—New MagnaSoles shoe inserts harness the power of magnetism to restore the foot's natural bio-flow. more»
Stoner Regales Friends With Tale Of This One Bong He Saw In Iowa City Once

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—Area stoner Mike Cudahy, his eyes a deep red from five years of near-continuous recreational marijuana use, regaled friends and... more»
Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move leaders hope will resolve the long-running conflict between the Serbs and ethnic Albanians, President Clinton... more»
Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Brief

FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a... more»
Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Brief

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday,... more»
Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and... more»
Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Brief

OLYMPIA, WA—An Elvis Costello CD belonging to area resident Jonathan Wagner, 24, has entered the final stage of de facto ownership by friend Doug... more»
Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse... more»
Routine Drunk-Driving Trip Turns Tragic For Five Local Teens

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Photos
Worthless Dog Can't Talk, Drive, Solve Crimes

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | News In Photos
This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | Commentary

As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and... more»
On The Road Again

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | Columnists

I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | Horoscopes

If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you. more»
The New Diva Age

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | Infographic

From Celine to Shania, Whitney to Mariah, America is in the midst of a New Diva Age. Why are these female balladeers so popular? more»
What Is Sarah Michelle Gellar Complaining About This Week?

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | Statshot
Boxing's Black Eye

issue 3512 | 03.31.99 | What Do You Think?

A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander... more»